


"Who the hell is Bucky?"

by Prettyyoungtragedy



Series: The Winter Soldier tragedy [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Multi, The Winter Solider - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-04 18:48:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13370913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettyyoungtragedy/pseuds/Prettyyoungtragedy
Summary: Y/N worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is not faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just an idea I played around with, hope whoever reads this enjoys it. Because none of you can tell me there was a more heart-breaking scene then Bucky being suppressed in the Winter Soldier!

Y/N sat at her desk staring down at the notes before her, that she had been handed a few moments go by her superior. Her new subject, James “Bucky” Bares, The Winter Soldier.  
The notes were extensive, all the treatments and experiments he had undergone. Y/N had never met the Winter Soldier, only heard word of him from her fellow Hydra agents, he was revered, feared and admired. She had managed to catch a glimpse of him once as he strode through the compound with his handlers, but it was a fleeting glace.  
The part of the notes that affected Y/N the most was those of the Memory Suppressing Machine. There were seventy years’ worth of notes on the suppressing therapy that The Winter Soldier had gone through, and it was bone chilling. In the box of notes that Y/N had been handed were tapes of some of these experiments and Suppressing sessions, but Y/N would watch it later. Now she had to meet her newest assignment. 

“Dobryy utrenniy Soldat” Y/N greeted him, taking a seat in front of the Winter Soldier, 

He sat before her in the suppression machine chair, his face an unreadable expressionless mask. His face handsome and young, he couldn’t have been more than twenty-five. Y/N knew everything about him from the file she had read. Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, born March 10th, 1917, he was well over seventy years old at least according to the calendar. 

He never moved a muscle, he stared straight ahead. Y/N’s gaze wandered to his hulking metal arm, she marveled at the craftsmanship of the appendage, the groves and mechanics of it were outstanding. As a scientist it was something she couldn’t fault, he had just returned from an assignment and his arm had taken some damage. One of the mechanics were working on the damage beside her. 

“My name is Doctor Y/N Y/L/N,” She said, waiting for a response to which she got none. “I will be administering your therapy today,”  
Silence from the Winter Solider. 

She looked up at the Strike team, this seemed normal to them as they just looked back at her with an impartial expression. Before she could continue, the Winter Soldier suddenly reacted, violently swinging his metal arm, hitting the man sitting beside him in the chest, sending him sprawling across the floor. 

Y/N jumped back out of her seat, terror ripping through her when she saw the murderous expression on his face. His hulking muscular body, flexed and ready for combat. Immediately the Hydra Strike team readied their weapons at him, 

“Wait!” Y/N exclaimed, fearing that they would open fire on the asset, 

They hesitated, and looked at her. But before she could do anything else, Alexander Pierce, one of the leaders of Hydra walked into the room, followed by another doctor,  
“Sir, he is unstable, erratic” the doctor said, nervously but Pierce ignored him and walked in anyway. Signaling to the Strike team to lower their weapons, to which they complied.

“Mission report.” Pierce said, taking off his glasses and putting them in his pocket, 

The winter Soldier was unresponsive, instead he gazed off into the distance with a confused pained look on his face. 

“Mission report. Now!” Pierce barked again, 

Again, silence from the soldier, Y/N shifted nervously as Pierce approached him and rapidly back handed him across the face. Bending down to look at him.

A pained frown on his face, the Winter Soldier asked Pierce, “The man on the bridge, who was he?” 

“You met him earlier this week, on another assignment.” Pierce responded, 

The solider looked both wounded and confused, “I knew him,” his gaze trailing to Y/N. her heart racing at the scene before her, this was her first interaction with the Winter Soldier and the raw emotion around it was palpable for her. 

Pierce pulled up the chair that Y/N had jumped out of and took a seat in front of him, “You work has been a gift to mankind,” Pierce said, “You shaped the century, and I need you to do it one more time.” 

The look on the face of the Winter Soldier was lethal but there was an undertone of pain, and Y/N’s heart twinge at the sight of him. 

“Society’s at a tipping point,” Pierce continued “Between order and chaos, Tomorrow morning we are going to give it a push. But if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine. And Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it deserves,”  
The Winter Soldier looked at Pierce and the expression on his face broke Y/n heart, she never expected so much emotion from the man who was Hydra’s deadliest weapon. “But I knew him,” he said, in a aggrieved voice, 

Alexander Pierce sighed deeply then stood up and turned to Y/N, “Prep him,” he commanded, 

“H-he’s been out of cryofreeze for too long,” Y/N replied, knowing how deadly it could be for the solider to undergo that procedure,  
“Then wipe him and start over,” Pierce instructed, 

Y/N looked at the soldier’s face, his expression was fear, and anger and sadness. It was like he knew after seventy years what that meant and what was to come, and what was about to be taken away from him. His most prized possession, his memories.  
She stepped forward and took the bite guard off the table, her assistant Ilya moving to help her. She expected the soldier to put up a fight but he complied with ease as they pushed him back against the machine and into the chair once more. 

Y/N hesitated as she raised the guard to his mouth for him to bite on, waiting for some sort of resistance from him but there was none. He bit down on the guard, his gaze flitting to her for only a moment before he stared straight ahead once more. That brief look, sent a wave of guilt through her,  
Y/N stepped back as her assistant began turning the machine on, and she immediately noticed the panicked rise and fall of the Winter Soldier’s chest as the machine clamped around his arms and the shock therapy mas lowered to his face, the fear in his eyes evident. 

He shut his eyes for a moment, but they flew open the moment the cool metal closed around the side of his face, covering his left eye. As soon as the metal touched his skin, the electricity ripped through him, vibrating his body and the scream that erupted from him was terrifying.  
Y/N’s heart hammered in her chest as she watched the scene unfold before her, the mighty Winter Solder, screaming out in pain before her. All she wished to do was reach out and comfort the soldier but with her superiors and peers before her, she clenched her hand digging her nails into her skin.

“Raise the voltage,” Pierce said, 

Y/N looked at him, wanting to say something but she knew better, and she signaled to her assistant to raise the voltage. Another horrifying scream ripped though the Winter Soldier, as his body was wracked with voltages again. his body convulsing against the chair.  
Pierce and the Strike team seemed to be satisfied and they began exiting the room, leaving you with the rest of the team of doctors. Another scream erupted from him, as another wave vaulted through him, Y/n felt like she was going to vomit, she needed to leave the room. 

“Doctor?” her assistant said, looking at her intently, “Are you okay?”  
She snapped out of it and looked at him, “yes I am fine, turn it off,” she instructed, she couldn’t bear to hear his painful screams anymore.  
“But we aren’t done,” the young man replied,  
“Turn it off, Now!” She snarled at him, 

Ilya quickly shut off the Memory machine, and looked at the other doctors in the room. He was your subject they had no say in it anymore. As soon as it turned off, the winter solider was gasping for air, his body shaking and a thin sheen of sweat over his naked torso. 

“Soldat,” Y/N said, stepping toward him, 

And he froze, his gaze slowly trailing to the sound of her voice. The moment his gaze fell on Y/N it hardened, and he sat up slowly.  
His back straight, his gaze never wavered at he stared straight at Y/N, his blue eyes piercing into her. She felt like she couldn’t breath looking at the broken, shell of a man before her.

“Compliant.” Was his cold response, 

Y/N felt her heart constrict, “Take him back to the compound, to the infirmary, I’ll meet you there” she instructed the remaining guards, they nodded and began to cuff him, even though it was really futile to do so. With his strength he could rip through the cuffs as if it were paper, then they led him out of the room.

“Doctor Y/L/N?” Ilya said beside her,  
“Yes Ilya?” she replied,  
“Why did you stop?” he asked,  
Y/N looked at him, not having answer for the kid. He couldn’t have been older than twenty and this was the type of thing he was witnessing. How could she be a part of this.


	2. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is not faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an idea I played around with, hope whoever reads this enjoys it. Bucky Barnes’ character breaks my heart a little more every time I do more research on him!

The sound of his screams had Y/N jolting awake, gasping for breath. Another nightmare, awaking covered in sweat, shaking with fear and dread from Bucky Barnes’ painful screams. They haunted her like a shadow, clouding her sight, yet staying in the shadows just out of her sight. Like a demon perched on her shoulder weighing her down.

Getting out of bed Y/N rubbed the back of her neck tiredly. It had been a week of the nightmares, each one worse than the next. She made her way to minibar in her hotel room, reaching for the chilled bottle of Vodka resting on the top shelf. She needed to drink, drink away the constant memories of Bucky’s therapy sessions.

Not being able to go back to sleep, Y/N flipped on the TV for a little white noise and sat on the windowsill of her hotel room, gazing down at the quiet street below. It was almost 4AM in the morning, the quiet streets of Washington D.C all docile and asleep, Y/N found her mind wandering to thoughts of the Winter Soldier. His containment facility and underground bunker not far from the hotel she stayed in, her heart broke a little when she saw the sparse room they had given him to sleep in. A single bed, a sink, and an adjacent bathroom. No lights, no books, nothing that could remind him of the man he used to be. Just a cold, hard room for an assassin to rest before his missions.

She looked around at her room, a fancy luxury suite at a four-star hotel and she resented it. She knew why she got the special room, why she was assigned to the Winter soldier and it still bothered her.

She eventually passed out, half a bottle of Vodka later and was later awoken by a sharp knock on her hotel room door.

Throwing open the door to her room, rather angrily, the figure of Brock Rumlow, Strike team leader, stood before her. “What do you want Rumlow?” She snapped, her head pounding for the liquor she had consumed,

“He requests your presence,” Rumlow replied gruffly, he as dressed in his usual black attire. Black tshirt, black pants, black combat boots. He wasn’t bad on the eyes but Brock Rumlow was a giant ass of a man, and had always pissed Y/N off.

“Give me a minute to get ready,” Y/N sighed, then turned away from the door, heading to the bathroom to get showered and ready to leave with him. 

An hour later Rumlow led Y/N through the Triskelion, heading to the top floor. Once in the elevator, Rumlow broke the silence.

“How’s the therapy going?” he asked,

“Excuse me?” Y/N replied, startled by his sudden conversation,

“Your new position? How is it going?” Rumlow repeated,

“Well enough,” She replied curtly, staring straight ahead, wishing for the elevator to travel faster. She truly hated being around this man,

“And the Winter Soldier, is he responding to your treatment?” Rumlow asked again,

“I’d rather not discuss my subjects with personnel not cleared for such a discussion,” Y/N replied curtly, after all Rumlow was a station below her, she outranked him now that she was Bucky’s handler.

Behind her, she heard him shift, waiting with baited breath for his angry reaction but there was none. The elevator dinged on the landing, and she strode out not waiting for him to follow her. Y/N knew where she was heading, so she quickly made her way passed various agents to the door of Alexander Pierce’s office.

Knocking on the door, she heard a faint ‘Come in’ before she entered. Rumlow didn’t follow her into the office, instead he waited outside. Watching as the door swung shut in his face.

Alexander Pierce was seated at his massive glass office desk, looking down at a folder in his hands when Y/N approached the desk.

“Hello dear,” He greeted, looking up from the papers in front of him,

Y/N nodded in greeting to him and took a seat in the chair in front of his desk.

“How is my asset?” He asked, getting up and going over the bar in his office to pour the two of them a drink.

“Doing well,” She responded accepting the drink he had placed in front of her,

“Is he compliant?” Pierce asked,

“As ever,” Y/N said, taking a sip, letting the malt liquor sear her throat as it travelled down her esophagus.

“Good, we need to send him out into the field again,” Pierce said, looking intently at her,

“Its too soon,” Y/n tried to rebut,

“It’s not a discussion, his compliance is all I need to send him back out there,” Pierce interjected, before she could continue,

“His compliance comes with us frying his brain every time he steps out of line!” Y/N suddenly shot back, “Maybe if we showed him a little empathy, he would be more willing to comply with your rules!”

Pierce froze, and his gaze harden as he looked over Y/N, “Empathy is not the Hydra way,” he said coldly, “I assigned you to this because I thought you would be able to handle it,”

Y/N took a deep breath, “I can handle it,” she replied, just as coldly, placing the glass of liquor on desk,

“I am trusting you Y/N,” Pierce cautioned, “Send the asset out on assignment, monitor him, I don’t want failure”.

“Have I ever failed?” she snapped, her voice icy.

“No which is why I have entrusted you with this task,” Pierce said,

Y/N knew he wasn’t wrong, she had always been the best and the brightest and the coldest of those in her class and field. But there was something about The Winter Soldier that brought out her humanity and morality.

“Then trust me to do my job,” Y/N replied, tossing back the rest of the contents of her glass, placing it down on the desk with a thud.

“Don’t disappoint me, Y/N” Pierce said to her, with a smug look on his face,

Y/N knew better than to argue at this point, as this commanding voice had been one she had obeyed all her life without question. “Yes Father,” she replied, and then stood up, not bothering to greet him as she exited the office.

A few hours later, Y/N sat in a room with the Winter Soldier, he had the same deadpan look he always had, as she examined his vitals. She had instructed the guards to leave her alone with him, while she prepped him for his mission to go after Steve Rogers. Y/N knew what Steve Rogers meant to the old Bucky Barnes, she had been to the Smithsonian, had seen the exhibits and had also seen just how much seeing Bucky had affected the Captain on the bridge earlier that week.

She had strapped on a Kevlar vest over her tactical outfit, she wasn’t a field agent but since she was ordered to monitor him, she needed to be prepared to move as the Strike team did. It wasn’t going to be an easy mission, and she also knew what failure meant to her. But as she sat before this man, in his broken state, failure didn’t matter to her. All she saw was a once bright flame burned out and forced to become a contained match, to be used and forced to comply without a choice. Or the freewill to think for himself, to feel kindness, and happiness or the touch of love. And that somehow broke her more than she had ever anticipated.

“Do you remember me?” She murmured as she adjusted the strap on thigh, clicking the knife into place,

“Doctor Y/L/N” he replied in an expressionless voice,

Y/N looked up at him in surprise, she didn’t think he would remember. But recently she had reduced his shock therapy with the hopes he would regain some semblance of a normal man. It seemed it may work since he remembered her.

“Do you know who you are?” She asked softly,

The soldier remained silent, he slowly flexed his hands, waiting for her to put on his tactical gloves. He had a frown in his handsome face, it was like he was fighting an internal war, as his expression switched from pained to confused to angry all in a matter of seconds.

“And you’re James Buchanan Barnes, remember…” she whispered to him, softly brushing her hand against his as she pulled on one of his tactical gloves.

Bucky looked at her, a look of confusion flit across his face, “What are you doing?” he said in a soft tight voice,

“I am so sorry,” was all she could say, forcing down the luom

“Why?” Bucky replied,

Y/N hadn’t expected him to be so coherent. “For my part in all this,” she replied softly, looking into those stunning blue eyes,

He did not respond, instead he looked straight ahead as she continued to strap in his tactical gear and weapons, Y/N knew there was a way to save him. And she was, in this moment, willing to risk it all to save the Winter Soldiers soul.


	3. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is not faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an idea I played around with, hope whoever reads this enjoys it. Had to steal the Romanogers scene from TWS because I loved it so much. Had a little inspiration watching a few Marvel movies during this…

Y/N watched him leave and for the first time in her life she felt a sense of loss. It was an alien feeling to her, and she grappled with it. Standing in front of the Strike team monitor, watching as the Winter Soldier stepped out onto the landing strip, decimating shield agents as he went along.

She turned away, unable to watch him destroy so many innocent lives. “Doctor?” Rumlow’s voice sounded beside her, was that concern she heard in his voice?

“What?” Y/N snapped at him, Rumlow recoiled slightly at the pure venom in her voice,

“We should move, you need to keep an eye on the asset,” He said, picking up his M4A1 rifle and clicking the safety off,

Y/N nodded, accepting the rifle that was handed to her by one of the Strike members, she was proficient in tactical training, it had been part of her upbringing, but she hated it. She hated being in a battle zone, the bullets and screams of innocence lost was too much for her.

Clicking off the safety, she moved in line with the two members of the Strike team that had been assigned to her, and she watched the monitor on her wrist, the camera’s trailing the Winter Soldier once more. They moved through the Triskelion trying to stay within range of the Winter Soldier, but he was on one of the Insight helicarriers and Y/N couldn’t place him anymore.

Bullets sprayed passed her head as more shield agents rounded the corner, and her finger automatically squeezed the trigger firing off multiple rounds, trying to inflict minimum amount of damage to the men before her. Suddenly there were cannons going off and chaos erupted, the Insight helicarriers were falling from the sky, the colossal ships dropping toward the Triskelion and its surroundings.

 

Y/N’s eyes widened in terror as she watched the debris falling from the sky, impending doom all around her. “Doctor Y/L/N!” shouted one of the Strike team, “Move!”, but she was frozen in fear. The first insight carrier crashed into the dam, explosions scattering across thousands of feet. Y/N could hear shouts and screams, her eyes trailed up to the helicarrier now casting a massive shadow over her, it was rapidly moving toward the side of the building. But her eyes were on the person aboard that she now saw, hanging by a single metal limb.

Her heart lurched, and she opened her mouth to scream but a sudden explosion nearby rocked the ground beneath her and debris flew across where she stood. A piece of rock debris slamming into her back, sending her toppling three floors down and then her vision blacked out.

It was the constant annoying beeping that finally woke her. Y/N forced her heavy lids open, and looked around. White walls, crisp bedsheets, monitors, and tubes. It took her a moment to register she was in the hospital. A second later, the realization hit her, and she jolted upright, but instantly regretted it as pain lanced through her shoulder. It was in a sling, so she lay back down slowly taking a deep breath, she pulled out the IV in her arm, trying to wear off the effects of the obvious painkillers in it.

Y/N closed her eyes for a moment, when suddenly there was a cold hand placed over her mouth. Panic surged through her and her immediately tried to fight her attacked, ignoring the pain in her shoulder, her eyes flew open and she tried to shove them off.

Instead of a stranger, Y/N opened her eyes to stare into a pair of crystal blue eyes.

“Shhh” He whispered,

“Bucky,” Y/N breathed, her heart racing as she looked him over, he had bruised and cuts but over all he seemed fine. “What are you doing here? Why are you here? How did you survive?” she said, plying him with questions.

Bucky shook his head and motioned for her to be quiet, “First we get out of here,” he said in a low voice, “can you walk?”

Y/N nodded, and got out of the hospital bed, slowly. Her shoulder screamed with pain, ignoring it she quickly looked around the room for her clothes.

There were a pair of black jeans and a t-shirt set on the table. She quickly slipped out of the hospital gown and pulled the items of clothing on. Bucky faced the other way as she dressed, then handed her a pair of boots, “On.” Was all he said softly then waited while she quickly laced them up.

He never gave her a chance to thank him before her gripped her good hand and pulled her close to him, “Follow my every move, blend in, keep your eyes focused on me.” He said huskily, the warmth of his body radiating onto her as he held her close to his back, “If I change course, do not stumble. If I say run, you run and don’t look back. Got it?”

Y/N nodded, her heart beating wildly in her chest now, adrenaline coursing through her veins as she watched Bucky. He had on a baseball cap, pulled low over his handsome face, the angular curve of his solid jaw clenched tight in concentration as he opened the door to her hospital room slightly, checking if the coast was clear.

 

Bucky led Y/N passed two pairs of Hydra agents, undetected. She was amazed at his skill of blending in. They were almost scot-free when suddenly, Bucky tensed up,

“Hydra, two agents walking directly towards us.” He murmured in a low voice,

Y/N started to panic, they would surely be caught. The agents were talking between each other, not paying attention to either of them but as the approached them, one of the agent’s gaze wandered toward Bucky and Y/N. Bucky suddenly gripped her tight and pulled Y/N into a hug, burying her face in his chest as he held her close, she could feel his breath on her neck. “Hold me, displays of affection make people uncomfortable,” he whispered,

Obeying, Y/N slipped her free arm around his waist and pulled him closer, and the two agents walked passed without giving them a second glance.

As soon as they were out of sight, Bucky released her from his grip and then stepped back, glancing around quickly to see if it was safe to move again then began to lad the way again. Y/N was still in a state of shock at the way he moved, behaved and talked. He almost seemed human again.

Bucky led her out of the hospital with ease, and into a nearby car. “Did you steal a car?” she asked,

But he didn’t respond, he started it and began to drive. His face solemn, Y/N stared at the curve of his jaw again. Bucky’s appearance seemed softer when he was not the Winter Soldier, it was heartbreakingly sad, it was like she could read the years of pain that tainted his skin as she looked at him in the pale glow of the setting sun.

“Where are we going?” Y/N asked after a few minutes of silence,

“I don’t know,” he replied, in a curt voice

“Why did you come for me Bucky?” she asked softly,

“I…” He paused, “don’t know,”

“What do you want with me?” Y/N asked again,

“You’re just, I…” Bucky stuttered, the winter soldier actually stuttered, he didn’t seem to have an answer, she waited for him to collect himself. Scared to interrupt his train of thought.

He sighed deeply, “I don’t know Doctor Y/L/N” he finally said,

“Y/N” she said gently,

“What?”

“Call me Y/N” she repeated,

Bucky’s face softened, there was sudden sadness that flashed across his face, and she saw him grip the steering wheel tighter. Y/N was unsure of what was going through Bucky’s mind, but she knew they needed to get off the grid and thankfully she knew a place, secret from everyone but her.

“I know a place we can go,” she murmured, and Bucky just nodded to her suggestion when she informed him where to go.

They had driven for hours, Y/N eventually fell asleep in the passenger seat. It was dark when she eventually awoke, feeling disorientated slightly it took a few moments for her to realize where she was, and she jerked upright in her seat.

“Hey, hey its okay” Bucky’s voice sounded beside her, he reached towards her to comfort her but then withdrew his hand when he saw the terror on her face.

“We’re here,” He said gesturing toward the window. She looked out at the window and in the darkness, she could see the outline of the house in the woods. It had been her home when she was a child, the house she grew up in, in suburban New York. Hidden away in a forest on a windy rode. She had bought it and her father kept it off the grid for her, the one act of love or humanity that he could do for her.

Getting out of the car, they made their way to the front door and Y/N opened it up with a spare key which was hidden in a nearby pot plant. The house was cold and dusty from years of being empty, she hadn’t been here since her move to Washington.

Y/N flipped on a light switch and the entrance was immediately illuminated in a pale glow, wordlessly Bucky stepped in beside her, his gaze sweeping across the span of the room. He seemed tense as they made their way through the house turning on the lights,

“How safe is this?” his husky voice startling Y/N, as it cut through the silence between the two of them.

“Safer than anywhere else,” she replied, wincing as pain lanced through her shoulder once more. She had been ignoring the pain, but it was becoming uncomfortable now.

“Hydra?” Bucky asked, she knew what he meant,

“Only my father knows of this place, and if he comes for me, I know a way out of here undetected,” she answered, as they walked into the kitchen,

“Your father?” Bucky said, seeming confused,

“Alexander Pierce” Y/N said, with a sigh. He was going to find out sooner or later who she really was, so she might as well, be honest with him.

A look came over Bucky’s face when she answered him, one she couldn’t read. “Alexander Pierce is dead.” He said in a soft voice,

Y/N’s heart jumped, she had never been close to her father as he always treated her like an asset more than a daughter. She never really thought about how she would feel, when the news of his death reached her. Y/N blinked rapidly after hearing what Bucky had just said,

“What,” she breathed, she was shaking slightly

“Nick Fury eliminated him.” The words stung for some reason as soon as they left his mouth.

Eliminated sounded so crass but it was what had happened. She could try and justify it but there was sudden sadness that flashed through her, and she had to lean against the counter. She couldn’t understand the ache in her chest, maybe she did love her father after all.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked with a kindness in his voice that she couldn’t understand, he was the Winter Soldier, a brutal assassin. She had seen what he could do and the gentleness of which he showed her baffled her.

“I-I-I’m fine, I just…” Y/N stuttered, “Just need a moment, it’s been a long day,”

Bucky nodded, not saying anything. He of all people understood loss the most, it was like his oldest friend. He walked out of the kitchen leaving Y/N alone for a bit.

Y/N sat in the kitchen, contemplating how absolutely fucked her life had gotten in a span of just 48 hours. She had found a laptop she left here and began surfing the web for information on what had happened at the Triskelion. They had labelled S.H.I.E.L.D a terrorist organization, Hydra had obviously gone into hiding once more. There were multiple news stories on her father’s death, as she scrolled through one after the other, she hadn’t realized she had started crying.

Touching her face in surprise, she wiped the tears away. Y/N closed the laptop and took a deep breath, she didn’t know what to do or where to go. There was so much confusion in her life right now, and at the center of it all was the Winter Soldier. Yet he felt like he was the only clarity through it all.

Bucky suddenly appeared in the doorway, his hulking frame startling her from her seat, she jumped back slightly. she hadnt realized how much time had passed since she lost herself in the laptop.

“Shit!” she hissed, “You scared me,” placing a hand on her thumping chest,

“I… Sorry” Bucky muttered, he walked over to the counter and placed a brown paper bag onto it.

“What is that?” Y/N asked him curiously, 

“Food.” Was all he said,

“When did you even get that?” she asked, genuinely surprised as she hadn’t even heard him leave or come back.

“Doesn’t matter, are you hungry?” Bucky asked, deflecting her questions,

Y/N hadn’t realized until he said it just how famished she was, and she couldn’t remember when was the last time she ate in the last 24 hours. “Starving,” she replied,

“Sit,” he ordered, motioning to take a seat at the table once more.

Y/N wordlessly sat down, watching Bucky move about the kitchen with fluidity. He was methodical, calculated, as he prepared food for the two of them. It was like she was seeing less of the Winter Soldier and more of Bucky Barnes as he move about, he clearly knew what he was doing as he placed multiple ingredients into a bowl.

She didn’t think it was possible for him to act this human after all the treatments and experiments he had been through over seventy years. She thought all his humanity had been stripped from him, but she was clearly wrong.

“Are you making pancakes?” she asked surprised,

Bucky froze for a moment, his back facing her then she saw his shoulders relax. “Yes,” he replied,

“I didn’t know you knew how to do that,” she said, incredulity in her voice.

“I don’t know why, it was the first thing on my mind. A memory of pancakes,” Bucky said, he turned around with a plate of pancakes and placed it in front of her.

“So, your memories are coming back?” Y/N enquired, accepting the cutlery he handed her.

Bucky took a seat to the right of her, “Not entirely, certain smells, pictures, feelings bring back small memories but it’s like reaching for something that doesn’t want to be touched.” He answered, not looking at her,

“I’m sorry Bucky,” Y/N said, reaching to touch his hand but he pulled away from her, and somehow that rejection stung.

He didn’t respond to her, or acknowledge her embarrassment at his rejection. Instead he picked up a fork and began eating.

They ate in silence. The pancakes were delicious, or they weren’t and she as just hungry, but she devoured them. Contently sitting back once she was done. Bucky cleared the dishes away, noiselessly.

Y/N excused herself and made her way upstairs to the master bedroom, one of the two bedrooms in the house, she needed a hot shower and sleep as soon as possible. There were some old clothes in the cupboard that she could sleep in, and she managed to stumble across an ex-boyfriend’s items of clothing as well which she thought Bucky could use.

After a hot shower, she made her way downstairs to find Bucky leaning against the windowsill in the living room gazing out at the night sky.

He didn’t bother turning to look at her when she entered the room, so she cleared her throat to get his attention. “I thought you might want a change of clothes,” she offered the items to him, and when he didn’t reach for them she placed them on the side table and then turned on her heel and headed back upstairs to sleep.

Y/N lay in the bed, unable to fall asleep. Her mind was wide awake, combing through the last 48 hours of her life. Everything was upside down, she knew Hydra would be looking for her, without a doubt. Whatever was happening between her and Bucky, they would spend the rest of their lives on the run. People knew the Winter Soldier, he was wanted man, so no matter where they went. No life would be safe for them. As she lay there, Y/N allowed herself to cry, one last time, cry for all the lives lost in that time, cry for the only family that had been taken away from her, cry for herself, for everything she had lost, because in that moment the loss was all-consuming.


	4. A mistake made...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is not faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an idea I played around with, hope whoever reads this enjoys it. I am not the greatest smut writer, but I hope to get better over time! Drop me some feedback?

Bucky Barnes was a man of few words, or he had become a man of few words. Y/N learned that after spending a few days cooped up in the house in the woods with him. Both of them had withdrawn into themselves in the three days they spent in that house, Bucky would leave for hours on end, only to return quieter and more morose than before and Y/N spent her time searching for their next base to camp or she kept updated on the Avengers and Shield and whatever information she could get on Hydra.

She never pressured Bucky into communicating with her, she knew how hard it must have been for him to adjust to his new freedom and all the memories that came rushing back. At night she could hear him screaming in dread in his room from the nightmares and it gave her shivers. His screams were one’s of true pain, she would hear him gasping awake and rushing out of his room and out of the house. Where he went she did not know, there were times when he would shower until the water became cold as if he were trying to scrub away the memories of the Winter Soldier. It broke her heart to see how tortured and broken he was. Knowing she had a hand in it,

A week after they had arrived at the house, Bucky finally struck up a conversation with her.

Y/N sat at on the floor, bending over the laptop between her legs, her hair cascading across her face as she stared intently at the screen. She was researching as she always did, she played music loudly through the stereo in the living room. She always lost herself in research whatever it may be and she hadn’t heard Bucky return from whatever venture he was on outside. Bucky’s boots suddenly appeared in her view,

“What are you doing?” His voice sounded, startling her as it always did. There had been so much silence that his voice seemed foreign to her.

“Huh?” she replied, looking up at him, his blue eyes piercing into her as she gazed up at him,

“Why are you on the floor when there are three couches and a table in this room?” Bucky asked her quizzically,

Y/N looked around the room, she knew what he meant and she didn’t really have an answer for him. The floor was more comfortable for her,

“I don’t know, I like it here.” She shrugged,

Bucky raised an eyebrow at her, but didn’t press the matter further. Instead to her surprise he took a seat in front of her, crossing his legs and stared at her.

“What are YOU doing?” She asked, looking at him in confusion, Bucky seemed to hate being around her, but here he was.

“Looking,” was his curt response,

“For?”

“Answers.” He said,

“By looking at me?” She asked,

“Yes,”

Y/N and Bucky stared at each other for a moment, his blue eyes piercing into her. His expression solemn,

“And this helps how?” she said, closing the laptop in front of her and sliding it to the side, curious to see where this would lead.

“I don’t know yet, but you seem to help.” He replied, narrowing his eyes are her, Bucky leaned back on his arms,

He looked devastatingly handsome in this position, his dark hair falling into his icy blue eyes, lips pursed. Y/N crossed her arms over her chest as he stared at her, she felt vulnerable under his gaze for some reason.

“You smell like lavender,” Bucky suddenly said,

“Excuse me?” Y/N responded baffled by his sudden confession,

“You know? The flower? Lavender? Yeah you smell like it.” He repeated,

“Yeah, I know what Lavender is Bucky,” Y/N retorted, “How do you know I smell like lavender,”

“Winter solider serum,” he replied, a wry smile on his face. And that was the first time she had seen Bucky smile, and it did all sorts of things to her.

From that small conversation on the living room floor, Bucky and Y/N began bonding more. Slowly at first with passing conversations, which developed into discussions at the dinner table and eventually to conversations sitting next to each other on the couch.

Bucky always stayed out of each, he hated to be touched, Y/N learned this the hard way when she had accidently touched his shoulder during a conversation and his reaction was terrifying. He had hissed and pulled away from her not before storming off, slamming the door behind him.

He was regaining his memories more as he went along, it had been three weeks since he had taken you from the hospital, and you had been keeping a keen eye out for any Hydra activity but had spotted none. Then came the night that changed everything between the two of them.

It ha started out as a normal night for them, Bucky made dinner as he always did, they ate, discussing Bucky’s past and hers. Y/N was eternally fascinated to hear about the 40’s when he grew up, it was an entirely different world. Then they cleared up and headed to the living room once more, Y/N sat on the couch reading an old book she had found, Bucky sat on the windowsill looking out at the night sky, as he always did.

Y/N’ gaze wandered to Bucky, his silhouette on the windowsill, hulking and perfect. He wore grey hooded sweater and sweatpants, it was so casual, no one would say this was the infamous Winter Soldier. Beneath the sweater, his rippling muscles tugged at the sweatshirt as he moved slightly.

Y/N lifted the glass of vodka to her lips, still staring at Bucky, she sipped the cold liquor. Swallowing it slowly, she found herself envisioning what it would be like to go to bed with him.

“You’re staring,” Bucky said, not looking at her,

‘Fuck!’ she thought, cursing herself out as she blushed. Thankfully the room was dimly lit, and she hoped he could not see her blushing. “Sorry,” she mumbled, returning to her book.

Y/N then felt his gaze on her, and she tried her utmost to ignore it until he stood up and came over to where she stood. His metal hand suddenly on the book in her hand, he took it from her hands,

“What are you reading?” He asked,

“Nothing interesting,” Y/N replied, watching as he gazed at the cover with a frown before he tossed it to the couch beside her,

“I have a question,” Bucky said, taking a seat beside her. He was abnormally close to her, facing her as he spoke to her. He seemed to have a boyish calm about him that evening.

“Go ahead,” she encouraged, maybe it was the vodka going to her head but she could have sworn she saw Bucky take a quick glance at her body.

“Why did you do it?” Bucky asked softly,

Y/N was waiting for this conversation, and she was dreading it.

“I don’t know,” she replied, looking down at her hands, avoiding his gaze.

“Bullshit,” Bucky said, his gaze intensifying

“What do you want me to say?” Y/N demanded, she couldn’t give him the answer he was looking for as she herself did not know what it was,

“The truth maybe?” Bucky retorted,

Y/N stared at him, she knew what he was seeking but could not give It to him. Bucky was looking for redemption for his past crimes, he was in search of validation, seeking a new life, and Y/N was unsure if she could be the one to give him all that.

“What truth Barnes?” She said quietly, ‘

Bucky sighed deeply, he rarely ever showed emotion. He was as unreadable as ever, his intense gaze was the only thing that ever betrayed his emotions, Y/N felt this deep connection with him but it was always fleeting.

“Tell me why you tried to save me Doctor Y/L/N.” He ordered,

Y/N was quiet, there was an unspoken pull towards Bucky Barnes, this unexplainable bond. Neither of them knew what it was, but there was a pull towards each other. And both her and Bucky were looking for what that pull was,

“I cant give you what you seek Bucky,” Y/N whispered,

Disappointment flitted across his face, and he nodded.

Bucky stood up, the conversation clearly over, “Good night Doctor,” he said, before walking out of the room, leaving Y/N sitting alone and flabbergasted.

Later that night Y/N lay in bed, her mind going over the conversation she had with Bucky. Everything she had lost felt incomprehensible compared to the loss Bucky had faced, he was a man out of time. His whole life taken away seventy years ago, he could have been a husband, a father , a lover to someone. But Hydra had taken that away, an organization she was part of.

She snapped out of her thoughts as she heard Bucky scream in his room, another night, another nightmare. Feeling emboldened Y/N threw back her covers and quickly made her way to his room. She knocked softly on the door and when there was no response she opened the door and stepped in.

As she made her way toward the bed, she saw, in the pale glow of the moonlight, Bucky lay on his back, the panicked rise and fall of his bare torso, rapid in the darkness. His metal arm clenched to the left of him, a pained look on his sleeping face.

Y/N hesitated, and then reached for him, attempting to comfort him. As soon as she touched him Bucky’s eyes flew open and he grabbed her hand, yanking her towards him, he flipped her around pinning her hand behind her back and his metal arm closed around her throat. Pinning her down to the bed beside him,

“B-b-bucky,” She gasped as he choked her, she could hear his rapid breathing beside her, he shoulder ached as he held her arm behind her. 

He was still trapped in his nightmare, she felt his grip get tighter around her neck. She knew if she didn’t wake him up in the net few seconds he would most likely break the bones in her arm or her neck.

“Bucky!” she gasped again, shoving her elbow into hos muscular chest,

As soon as she hit him, she felt him relaxed his grip and then instantly shive himself off the bed, releasing her from his grip. “Wh-what the fuck are you doing here?” he exclaimed, looking around bewildered,

Y/N was working on getting her breath back, she sat up on the bed, rotating her arm which was aching from being held in his iron grip. “You were having a nightmare,” she replied, “I wanted to help,”

Bucky was silent as he looked at her on the bed, his chest rapidly rising and falling, “Don’t do that,” he said gruffly,

“Do what?” Y/N asked, confused,

“Help me,” He replied,

Y/N got off the bed and moved toward him, “Bucky,” she said softly, and he immediately backed away from her, “I want to help,”

Bucky shook his head, “You can’t help me,” he murmured dejectedly,

Y/N moved closer to him, and he took another step back, “Let me try,” she replied, reaching her hand towards him,

Bucky froze as her hand made contact with his chest, she could feel his heart hammering in his chest. A wild look in his eyes, before she knew what was happening Bucky grabbed her by the arm and shoved her against the wall, his metal arm slammed into the wall beside her face.

He leaned down and gazed at her face, an intense look in his eyes. “You should be afraid of me Doctor,” Bucky said, sinisterly, his blue eyes staring intensely into hers,

Y/N couldn’t find the words in that moment, instead she reached up and cupped his handsome face, she knew she should be afraid of him but she couldn’t be. In that moment all she wanted to do was ease the pain in his eyes,

“I am not afraid of you James Buchanan Barnes,” she whispered,

That was all it took before Bucky’s lips crashed over hers, pinning her against the wall. Her mouth fell open against his, Bucky’s kiss all-consuming. Using his right hand, Bucky hoisted Y/N up against the wall, she wrapped her legs around his waist as he pressed his muscular body against hers.

There was an urgency to his kissing. Bucky pulled her sweater off tossing it across the room, his eyes never leaving her body. The lust in his eyes, raw and evident. Y/N ran her fingers through his long dark hair, and pulled his face towards her once more, their kissing more desperate and urgent than before.

Trailing rough kisses across her neck and shoulders, Bucky moved her toward the bed. He tossed her onto it, she could visibly see his arousal in his pants, it was large. Bucky gazed down at her on the bed for a seond, before he grabbed her legs, pulling her towards him. In one swift movement he removed her underwear, then tugged off his shirt and pants as well.

Bucky got between her legs, capturing her mouth in a passionate kiss once more. She could feel his thick member pressed up against her core, the arousal palpable. His metal hand never touching her once, Bucky used his right hand only as he navigated her body, kissing, sucking, biting as he went along. He lined himself up with her entrance and looked into her eyes, awaiting her consent. Y/N hooked her legs over his hips and locked them, moving his body towards her giving him the consent he sought. Gasping as he entered her, the swell was intoxicating, and she moaned against him.

Bucky moved slowly above her, using his metal limb to prop himself up and he fucked her. She shuddered with pleasure as Bucky brought her closer to orgasm, there was no passion between them, it as raw unopposed fucking and it was the intimacy of fucking that they craved. He buried himself deep within her, using the closeness of their bodies to forget the torture and pain that plagued him.

Y/N dug her nails into his muscular as she felt her orgasm building, suddenly Bucky pulled away, leaving her gasping for more. Without warning he flipped her over, gripping her hips, he pulled her towards him once more, he lined himself up with her entrance from behind and in one swift thrust he entered her.

Bucky gripped onto her hip with just one hand and he thrust into her, hard. Her back arched, she felt the orgasm she was seeking approaching, her moans getting louder as it approached.

And then the coil within her snapped, and the orgasm crashed over her like a tidal wave. Bucky never stopped or slowed his pace as she rode out her orgasm, his name rapidly falling her to lips as she did so. He pulled away once more, leaving her breathless as he flipped her over once more, getting between her legs again. He kissed her, roughly, and entered her once more.

Three mind-blowing orgasms later, both Y/N fell back onto the bed gasping for breath. She felt like her body was on fire, beside her Bucky lay calm, cool and collected, staring up at the ceiling. He looked serene in the pale glow of the moonlight, and devastatingly handsome. The emotions and implications of what had just taken place suddenly came rushing to her, and her heart began to race. She didn’t know what it meant or how either of them were going to deal with it, so she wordlessly got up from the bed, grabbing her items of clothing and quickly pulling them on to cover her nakedness.

“What are you doing?” Bucky said in a soft voice, sitting up,

“I…I’m going to my room” Y/N replied, moving towards the door,

“Why?” he sounded hurt by this, she was unsure of how to navigate this situation. It was all foreign to her, and so was he. He was an enigma she barely knew anything about, he was a killer, a methodical machine yet tonight she had seen an entirely different side of him.

Y/N sighed, “It’s better this way,” she said, then quickly exited his room shutting the door behind her. She was bewildered by the events of what had just transpired between them. Bucky had been passionate, and intimate with her, something she has never expected. Yet she suddenly felt afraid of him, something she had never felt before. She didn’t know if it was the vulnerability of the situation or not, but there was a tinge of fear that she suddenly felt.


	5. Run!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is not faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an idea I played around with, hope whoever reads this enjoys it. This chapter is kind of a fluffer for what is to come next, I was kind of stumped and couldn’t decide which way to go with this, so I hope I made the right decision! Enjoy

It was the awkwardness of waking up the next morning and seeing the evidence of their night of fucking, that made her groan with regret. Y/N stood naked in the bathroom, looking over the scratches and bruises that were peppered across her chest, shoulders and neck. Feelings of regret ebbing away at her as she looked at them,

She had heard Bucky leave in the early hours of the morning, not knowing where he went as usual. Y/N took a quick shower and dressed before heading downstairs. The moment her feet hit the landing she knew something was wrong, it was like a sixth sense. Suddenly there was a massive fist flaying towards her heard, she managed to duck and roll out of the way a split second before it collided with her head.

Y/N skidded across the landing, jumping to her feet. Her fight or flight mode kicking in as she took in her attacked, evidently a man, he wore tactical gear and a metal mast with a skull on it covering his face. She backed away from his hulking form, fear ripping through her.

“Well well,” he suddenly said, looking over her, “I finally found you,”

The familiar voice, struck your memory. “Rumlow?!” she half exclaimed,

He chuckled cynically, “Yes its me and oh how I have been looking for you Doctor Y/L/N,” he said, taking a step towards her,

Y/N immediately took a step back, her mind racing and she hoped with every fiber of her being that Bucky would not return anytime soon. Or their cover would be blown. “Why are you here?” she demanded, “

“To take you home,” he replied, moving another step closer,

“I though Hydra fell,” Y/N said, knowing that would never be the case,

“Cut off one head, two more shall take its place,” Rumlow repeated the famous Hydra motto,

“I am not going back,” She said, crossing her arms over her chest in defiance.

“Why did you run away?” Rumlow asked, “Your father died and you disappear, it seems a little suspicious you know,”

“I don’t want to be a part of that world anymore,” She replied, “I want a normal life, I wont come back Brock,”

Rumlow laughed harshly, “You don’t actually believe that you will ever have a normal life Y/N, be serious.”

“I can try,” Y/N said softly, “Please…don’t force me to go back, please…”

Rumlow was quiet for a moment, then removed the mask that covered his face and you gasped in shock. His skin was charred and scarred, he looked like he had died and been through back to life. “Great isn’t is,” he said darkly, “Captain America dropped a building on my face,”

“How the hell did you survive that?” Y/N asked breathlessly, staring at the extensive damage that had been done to him, “And how are you walking around right now?”

“I shouldn’t be alive right now, but lucky me. Hydra has a special cocktail that fixed me up in a few days, you would know you helped develop it from The Winter Soldiers blood,” he replied,

Y/N froze for a second at the mention of Bucky, and Rumlow saw it. “Speaking of which, you wouldn’t happen to know where our asset is, do you?”

“Now why the hell would I know where the asset is?” Y/N snapped, her heart racing in her chest. If Rumlow had decided to check the house, he would see clear evidence of a man living here with her and it wouldn’t take him long to put two and two together.

He shrugged, “You were his doctor, I would assume he would come looking for revenge eventually, considering you were the one putting his brain in a blender,” Rumlow looked around the hallway, obviously looking for some evidence.

“What do you mean?” Y/N asked, confused by what he had just said,

Rumlow looked back at her, “All the doctors, nurses, scientists that worked on the winter solider project have been turning up dead, most of them have had to go into hiding. It seems the Winter Soldier is out for blood,” he replied,

Y/N’s heart felt like it had stopped, and then it suddenly clicked where Bucky would disappear for all those hours, where he was going or what he as doing was unclear to her but now that Rumlow informed her of the Hydra agents who worked on the project were dropping like flies it started to make sense.

“Get out,” Y/N said to Rumlow,

“Excuse me,” he replied, glowering at her,

“Get out of my house Rumlow, leave. Don’t come back, don’t tell them where I am.” She repeated,

He shifted on his feet, he seemed to be having an internal debate. There was a moment Y/N thought she heard him sigh but it was fleeting. “Alright Doctor, I will go but I warn you, if I he comes for you, he will kill you,” he said sinisterly,

“I don’t care,” Y/N said, her heart feeling like it was going to explode she needed to get Rumlow out of the house, and she needed to run, get as far away from this place as possible. Unsure if she could trust Bucky at all now, was he going to kill her next.

Rumlow moved passed her, toward the front door. He opened it and turned around once more before walking out. “Take care of yourself Doctor, I will be keeping an eye on you.” He said, then shut the door behind him. Y/N knew there was not a single chance that Rumlow was going to leave her be, he was giving her the opportunity to get away but he was going to come back for her, and he most likely wanted to let her lead him to the Winter Solider.

Y/N didn’t give herself a chance to think, she bolted upstairs and immediately began throwing items into a duffle bag. She didn’t know where she was going to go, but she needed to escape this situation. Grabbing her phone, she quickly dialed a number,

“Yeah?” Bucky’s gruff voice sounded over the receiver, he sounded out of breath.

“Winter Soldier,” was all she said, and he was quiet on the other line. It was the code word they had come up with for an emergency, like the one that had just arose.

“Get out, follow my every instruction.” Bucky said on the other end, his voice low and serious, “Turn on your comms,”

Y/N immediately retrieves the comms from her bag, and puts the ear piece in, “Secure channel seven,” he instructs,

“Channel seven secure,” she replied, and then he clicks of the receiver, and she can hear his voice in the comms again.

“Retrieve the getaway bag,” he orders, Y/N dashes across the room and grabs the getaway bag from the back of the cupboard.

“Put the Kevlar vest on and strap the gun to your body,” Bucky says, waiting for her to confirm that she had done so,

“Done,” she replied,

“Now just like we practiced, follow every step that I showed you and the moment you are clear of the perimeter you run and don’t look back.” He then said, “I’ll be on the comms the entire way, meet me at the rendezvous point.”

Y/N pulled the backpack on over the Kevlar vest and grabbed a baseball hat pulling it on to hide her face. Moving quickly, she made her way across the landing and then onto the balcony, quickly shimmying down the side of the house, without being seen. She pulled the cap lower, and ran low across the back yard, following the obscure path Bucky had created for her to escape in an event like this.

She ran fast and hard into the massive forest behind the house, careful not to upset the foliage too much, so not to be detected should Rumlow come looking for her. Suddenly she heard a dull thud and a bullet whizzed passed her head,

Y/N ducked and rolled across the forest floor, scratching her arms and face as she skidded to a halt in one of the bushes.

“Fuck!” she hissed, her eyes scanning the forest before her for any signs of movement or her attacker,

“Y/N?” Bucky’s voice suddenly sounded in her ear, startling her slightly, “Are you clear?”

“No, Sniper.” She murmured softly, moving slowly out from behind the bush, staying on her haunches she crawled away, hoping by staying low whoever the sniper was they couldn’t see her.

“Fucking hell,” Bucky cursed over the comms, “Okay, stay low and keep moving forward, get to the rendezvous point, I’m on my way,”

“I’m going to die,” Y/N suddenly said, “fuck my life, I am going to die,” she was more talking to herself but Bucky interjected

“You’re not going to fucking die, get your shit together and listen to me,” he snarled over the comms, “If you panic, you die. So, don’t fucking panic and move!”

“Ok ok,” she replied, her head rushing from the adrenaline coursing through her veins. Y/N crawled across the forest floor, she heard the whizz of more bullets flying nearby, two of them hitting a tree trunk nearby, splintering it.

Y/N froze and covered her head, shielding herself from the spray of splinters that flew across her head. Panic starting to rise in her chest, taking a deep breath, she made a split decision and got to her feet and started running. Not knowing which direction, she was going in, but she bolted.

She ran through the trees, branches and bushes shipping past her, scratching and scraping her arms and face as she did. but she didn’t stop. She heard bullets crack behind her, and this just gave her the push she needed to keep going.

Suddenly as if she were struck in the back with a bat, Y/N hit the ground like a rock. She was winded and a few seconds later, unimaginable pain sears through her right shoulder. Gasping from the pain she tore at the Kevlar vest and saw blood dripping through a bullet wound. The slug had ripped through the Kevlar and was lodged in the groove of her shoulder, as a doctor she could already tell the severity of the wound. 

“Where the fuck are you?” Y/N gasped into the comms,

“I’m almost there,” Bucky replied, “Just hold on,”

“Not an option, I have a fucking bullet in my shoulder,” She said,

“What?” He exclaimed, She heard him violently curse over the comms again, and then fall silent.

Heart pounding, Y/N knew she had to get out of there and fast. She pushed herself to her feet, gasping in pain as her armed screamed out in protest. She clutched it close to her body and then began to run again,

The dizzying speed at which she was running was rapidly draining her strength, and the bullet in her shoulder was not helping either.

Y/N saw the end of the forest leading towards the road, rapidly approaching. She couldn’t step out onto the road without blowing her cover, the sniper could easily pick her off if she was out in the open. So she skidded to a halt at the edge of the forest and dove into the nearest bush, taking cover. Hoping and praying no one was following her.

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she clutched her bleeding shoulder, wincing in pain. “Coordinates?” Bucky said, in her ear.

“Road, southside of the forest, route 45,” she whispered, fearing someone would hear her. there was a sudden crack of a twig nearby and she froze. She was partly obscure because of the bushes but if whoever walked up to the bush, they would see her in plain sight.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and silently prayed to whoever would listen to keep her safe. When she opened her eyes, there were a pair of black boots in front of her. Looking up slowly, she came face to face with a Hydra agent, he held a rifle pointed directly between her eyes.

“Gotcha,” he whispered sinisterly, with a smirk on his face.

Before Y/N could move a muscle, the agent was shot in the back of the head, blood spraying all over her. She stared mouth agape as he tumbled to the ground dropping his rifle. And behind him stood the Winter Soldier, a murderous look on his face, gun still raise, smoke floating from the barrel.

“Move! Now!” He ordered,

Y/N scrambled to her feet, clutching her bloodied arm, she gazed down at the agent on the floor, his brain a bloodied mess. And horror crept through her. Bucky looked her once over and then walked up to her and pulled the gun out of the holster on her leg.

“You have a fucking gun, use it, god dammit.” He snapped, shoving the gun at her,

“Oh well hello to you too asshole,” She shot back, she smacked the gun out of his hand and it fell to the floor, “Where the fuck were you?” she demanded,

“Not your concern,” Bucky responded, picking up the gun and moving closer to you, “Let’s get out of here, I need to check your shoulder,”

Not wanting to argue with him, Y/N winced as he shoved the gun back into its holster on her thing and then led her out of the forest to a nearby car.

An hour later, they arrived at a small bed and breakfast in upstate New York. It was obscure and well hidden enough that they wouldn’t be found or tracked there. Bucky went in and got a room, while Y/N waited in the car, applying pressure to her wound and feeling weak from blood loss.

Bucky returned and helped her into the room, she was stumbling weakly beside him. Her shoulder aching intensely.

She sat down on the nearest chair, feeling instant relief wash over her as her weak body embraced the support of the chair.

“Take off the Kevlar,” Bucky instructed, as he walked into the bathroom, grabbing the backpack he had taken off her. He stood at the sink, pulling out a medical kit, and quickly rinsing tools of with swabbing alcohol.

Y/N slowly ripped off the Velcro of the Kevlar, hissing in pain as her shoulder jostled with the movement. Bucky noticed her struggling with the vest and came over, moving her hand away and undid the straps himself, slowly removing it so not to hurt her shoulder anymore.

He whistled when he saw the damage, “The slug went straight through the Kevlar, soviet made, no rifling. Obviously Hydra.”

Y/N squeezed her eyes shut, feeling light headed. “You couldn’t have worn more clothes?” he said sort of sarcastically as he examined her bare arms in the tank top, which were now covered with scratches and bruises from her escape.

She looked up at him with an annoyed look, “Well excuse me for not being fucking prepared, soldier!” she snapped,

Bucky shook his head and took a seat in front of her, “I am going to need to stitch that wound,” he said,

“Like hell you are, I am a doctor, I can do it myself,” Y/N snorted,

“No you can’t, your dominant hand is your right hand, which is the side the bullet is lodged, you wont be able to stitch yourself up with your weaker hand,” he replied, exuding patience in the face of her stubbornness,

Y/N sighed, defeated and tired, she allowed Bucky to pick up the tongs and lift it towards her wound, to retrieve the bullet lodged in there.

“Here, bite on this,” he said softly giving her a leather strap from the medical kit,

She looked at him and guilt ripped through her. He of all people knew true pain and she had been the one handing him a bite guard for his pain a few weeks ago.

Biting down on the leather, she stifled a scream as Bucky inserted the tongs into her sound, to fish out the slug. Twenty agonizing minutes later, Bucky had stitched her up, and applied gauze and a bandage to her shoulder, then put it in a sling for her.

She was eternally grateful when he guided her to the bed to lie down, she had significant blood loss and needed to rest at this point. Bucky left to go and find her some food, leaving her alone in the room as she slipped in and out of consciousness.

A couple of hours later, the sun was dipping low over the horizon. Y/N woke drowsy and dazedly. Her shoulder throbbing with pain, and her mouth dry. Sitting up slowly, she sees Bucky sitting on the couch, methodically reloading and unloading his gun, a deadpan expression on his face.

“What time is it?” she croaked, slowly getting off the bed, her head spinning.

“Almost 6PM,” he replied, placing the gun on the table nearby and observing her,

“I need pain medication,” Y/N groaned, as she stumbled off the bed and leaned against the wall, Bucky warily stood up and moved toward her, not touching her in anyway,

“You should eat first,” he motioned for her to sit down, and she obeyed. He then placed a protein bar, a bottle of water and a packet it Oreos in front of her and took a seat in front of her.

Y/N reached for the water first, gulping it down the moment she opened it. Next she scarfed down the protein bar and lastly feeling a little more satisfied, opened the pack of Oreos and took one out. “So we should talk,” Bucky said, once he saw she was almost done eating,

“Yes we do,” she sighed, already knowing where this conversation was going,

“Last night, it can never happen again,” Bucky said in a serious voice, “I shouldn’t have done that,”

“You didn’t seem to think that last night,” She replied, raising an eyebrow at him sarcastically,

“That was in the heat of the moment, Doctor Y/L/N,” he replied, sighing irritably at her sarcastic demeanor,

“I have a question, of which you do not have to answer,” Y/n said, slightly amused by the look on his face,

“Yes?”

“When was the last time you had sex Winter Soldier?” she asked, an amused smile splayed on her face.

Bucky looked at her in slight shock, and then turned his face away from her scowling. “That’s none of your business,” he growled,

“Oh my god, I haven’t been the first one since 1945 have I?” she gasped,

“No you are not the first one since 1945, and I am not discussing this with you,” Bucky replied impatiently,

“How does it work though? Did Hydra bring them to you or were you allowed to go out and get them?” Y/N pressed, she was being a bitch and she knew it. But she was upset, he had left her, and after the information Rumlow had provided her with, if it was true, Bucky was out murdering people she knew and possibly at some point cared about.

“Stop,” he warned, throwing her a scowl.

“I just want to know, because you were all to eager to fuck me last night knowing who I am,” Y/N said, leaning back in her chair with a smirk,

“Leave it alone,” he repeated, the look on his face was murderous, and Y/N knew she should drop it but wasn’t going to at all. She wanted to anger him, to see what he would do.

“Or was it women who’s husbands you murdered? A grief fuck? Consolation after you killed the men they loved?” she chuckled darkly, “A handsome man like you, I find it hard to believe they would say no,”

Suddenly Bucky’s metal fist lurched forward, and closed around her throat, picking her up with ease and slamming her into the nearest wall. “I fucking said stop.” He snarled at her, his face centimeters from hers.

Y/N’s heart was hammering in her chest, her eyes wide with fear. Her shoulder was screaming with pain after being choke slammed into the wall as her stitches ripped open. His fist wrapped tightly around her neck, making it difficult for her to breath.

Regret instantly flashed across Bucky’ when he saw the look of fear in her eyes, and he let go of her neck, stepping back from her. Y/N fell to the floor, gasping for air.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stammered, reaching for her but she recoiled from his touched and backed against the wall, her eyes full of fear as she looked at him. And suddenly he realized what he had done. A new sense of grief overcoming him,

He backed away from Y/N and then exited the room, slamming the door violently behind him. Leaving her sitting on the floor, blood dripping from her shoulder. Y/N regretted what she had said to him the moment the words left her mouth, she hadn’t meant to be so cruel. And when she saw the broken look on his face as he backed away from her, she instantly wanted to reach out and console him but it was too late now.


	6. A past lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a young Hydra scientist, Y/N has been lied to all her life. Being told Hydra was working for the good of mankind. Then she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and she is faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to rewrite this entire chapter! But I hope you all enjoy it, I poured my heart and soul into this!
> 
> Please leave me some feedback! i really love writing this little series, so write a book report if you want! it's always a pleasuring hearing someone commend my work haha!
> 
> New chapters for this fic are a little scarce because I am writing multiple fics at a time. But i promise I will try and update this one twice a week!

It was well past midnight when Bucky returned to the room. Y/N was sitting on the bathroom floor, relishing the cold tiles as she waited for the pain killers she had taken to kick in, after she had very poorly tried to stitch herself back up. She had eventually given up and left the bullet wound open and just applied as much pressure as she could to it.

“Why are you always on the floor?” He muttered, kicking the door shut with the heel of his foot.

Y/N grunted a response, she was in too much pain to care about responding to him. Bucky looked at the trail of blood droplets that lead to the bathroom. and his gaze stopped on her. Her hands were covered in blood, so was her shirt. Y/N was leaning against the bathtub, looking pale in the dark bathroom.

He walked towards the bathroom. and flipped the light switch on and stood over her. She looked like a mess, covered in bruises and scratches and dried blood. He knelt in front of her. And sighed as he saw the wounded look in her eyes.She was just a fragile being compare to the brute force he was, and sometimes he forgot that.

“Come on, get in the bath, let me stitch this up again,” he said softly motioning for her to move to the tub, Y/N couldn’t argue, her pain would let her. She obliged and slowly got up, Allowing Bucky to fill the tub for her. As they waited for the water to fill up, Bucky removed her shirt slid her bra strap down her arm, so to give him clear access to the wound.

He placed the tray of instruments on the sink and then motioned for Y/N to sit on the edge of the bath. He cleaned the bleeding wound slowly, his touch featherlight, pausing each time he saw her wince in pain.

“Where did you learn how to stitch a wound?” Y/N asked him softly, looking at the concentration on his face as he thread the needle through the wound.

“Nazi Germany.” He responded,

His dark hair was falling into his eyes. as he worked on the wound. Y/N raised her good hand and was about to brush the hair out of his eyes, when Bucky caught her wrist with his metal arm.

“Please don’t.” He murmured, not looking at her, then dropped her wrist from his grip.

Y/N knew she deserved that after what she had said to him, but she still felt a sting on her cheeks. A few agonizing minutes later, he was done stitching Y/N up and he stood up, handing her a towel.

“Get in.” He ordered, then turned around so that she could undress.

Following his instructions, she undressed slowly and then stepped into the hot water, savoring the warmth that seeped into her sore and tired bones. Bucky walked out when he heard her sink into the water, leaving the door open behind him.

Y/N sat in the tub until the water became cold, eventually dragging herself out of the water and wrapping herself in a towel. Her aching body less sore than it was an hour ago. As she exited the bathroom, Bucky was sitting by the door, looking out the window.

She quickly dressed in clean clothes from the backpack and then took a seat on the edge of the bed, putting her arm into the sling once more. Bucky was silent the entire time, not bothering to look at her either. His face was drawn in a frown, as he absentmindedly flipped the blade in his hand, repeatedly. He looked like a force to be reckoned with as he sat there, which of course he was. It didn’t help that he was exceptionally handsome, chiseled jaw and icy blue eyes, framed by long eyelashes, and his dark long hair that was constantly falling into his eyes.

“You’re staring” Bucky said, snapping her out of her thoughts,

“God fucking dammit,” Y/N said under her breath, looking away from him, feeling a blush creeping into her cheeks.

“I can also hear you.” He said, turning to look at her, an amused glint in his eyes,

“Sorry.” She mumbled, not looking at him. she picked up her phone off the bed and looked at it. The screen was entirely smashed from all her running, or rather falling.

“I don’t think we can stay in New York anymore.” He said, looking at her, “There’s some things I need to figure out.”

Y/N was quiet. She didn’t know where else they would go, but it seemed Bucky had an idea.

“You can’t come with me.” He said softly,

“What?” She said surprised.

“I have to do something, and you can’t be a part of it.” Bucky said, sighing.

“Do what exactly?” She said, her annoyance showing. “Kill more Hydra scientists? You won’t find peace that way Bucky.”

“That’s, ugh,,” He began, agitatedly rubbing his forehead, “That’s not what I am going to do, I have to find more about myself, I have to go places I can’t take you and I wont risk your life.”

“Well too fucking bad.” Y/N snapped. “You risked my life when I was fucking put in charge of you, you fucking risked my life by taking me from that fucking hospital, you risked my life when you left me alone in that house and I got fucking shot, you risked my life when you nearly choked me to death earlier. But you don’t see me fucking complaining James Buchanan Barnes, I am here. You brought me here and you better fucking figure out why because I am going nowhere until you do.” She was breathing heavily when she finished her rant.

Bucky stared at her slightly taken aback by her sudden outburst. She was right, he had sent them both down this path, whatever he was going to do, she was a part of this now.

“And if you need to figure out who you are, then I am here for that too. What do you need? Time? Money? Resources? I can get you all of those. I am the God damn daughter of Alexander Pierce. Like I said I don’t scare easily, and since you brought me into this fucking mess, you better start acting like I am part of this little duo and not a fucking liability that you have to constantly save.”

Bucky was quiet for a moment, just looking at her. Even in anger she was exquisitely beautiful, empowered, a vision. He saw her, and he saw a force to be reckoned with, an immovable object that had somehow entrapped him in some weird snare. A scientist who could quite literally bring the winter soldier to his knees. A woman he hardly knew, yet she felt like his kryptonite.

“Yes ma’am.” Bucky said slightly amused by her tirade.

“Don’t call me ma’am, I’m younger than you.” Y/N added for good measure.

Bucky shrugged, “Well if you’re going to come with me, we’re going to have to set a few ground rules” He said solemnly, “Firstly, you have to follow my every instruction, you aren’t a trained combatant like I am, I can’t have you floundering around if we are in a fight.”

“I’ll have you know that I am a trained combatant.” She interrupted him.

Bucky raised his hand and cut her off, “And I am a super soldier, you can’t keep up with me.”

This silenced here, and she let him continue. “Secondly, we need a code if either of us in trouble, and or a way to find each other should we get separated.”

“Winter Soldier?” Y/N offered as a code word.

Bucky shook his head, “No, something else.”

Y/N pondered for a moment and suddenly blurt out an unexpected word, “Plums.”

He looked at her for a moment, then shrugged, “Fine, that works.”

“And if we’re separated, I have full faith you can find me,” She added.

Bucky nodded, then continued, “Thirdly, you have to get acquainted with a gun, like it or not you are going to need it, Doctor,”

Y/N nodded her head in agreement, whether she liked it or not, she had to get comfortable with killing because their enemies would not hesitate to put a bullet in her head should they get the chance.

“And finally, I will train you,” Bucky said, “Train you to read your surroundings, your vantage points, your enemies, your allies. Train you physically and mentally, because if you’re going to be a part of this world you’re going to need the basic skills to survive.”

Y/N was slightly taken aback at his offer, she hadn’t expected him to care enough about her to want to give her the skills to keep her alive.

“Are we in agreement?” He asked her, his eyes searching for her answer as he looked over her.

“Yes.” She simply replied.

“Good, now get some rest, tomorrow we go to Brooklyn.” He instructed her.

Y/N moved onto the bed and sighed contently as she laid down on the soft pillows, it was only a matter of minutes before she slipped into a light sleep, feeling the safety of having the Winter Soldier watching over her.

_________________________

Bucky watched her sleep, not in creepy stalker kind of way, but in the way a sentinel would watch over his charge. Holding his serrated steel blade in one hand, slowly flipping it, he stared at her. The gentle curve of her body, the way her hair fell onto her tired, yet beautifully scarred face. He studied the bruises and cuts on her body, the longer he looked, the more he realized how resilient she was. She had been shot, beaten and bruised today, yet she had managed to keep that brave face on, she was a pain in the ass and he knew she would likely just give him more problems. But somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to walk away just yet. There was something about her tugging at the back of his memory and he needed her around, she eased the process. The more he searched for answers, he always found more faces, more screams, always the same. Always death. Looking for answers would only invite trouble, but somehow, she provided a glimmer in his otherwise shadowy world.

__________________________

A gentle shake awoke Y/N. It was still dark out. Bucky was beside her, gently touching her shoulder, rising her. Once she was awake, she quickly showered, and redressed in the clothes from the night before. She was going to need to get more clothes at some point.

Bucky was waiting for her when she finally emerged from the bathroom. Her arm still in the sling. He wordlessly handed her a bottle of water and a croissant, she didn’t know where he got it from, but she was grateful to put something in her stomach. Then he picked up the backpacks, and handed her a baseball cap.

“Put this one, I’m taking these to the car.” He said, in a quiet voice, she quickly pulled on the cap hiding her face behind it, and took another mouthful of the croissant. Following Bucky to the car, she got into the front seat, waiting for him as he dumped their backpacks in the back seat.

The drive was relatively silent, save for the quiet clicks of Bucky tapping his metal arm on the side of the door as he drove. Y/N did not know why they were going to Brooklyn, but she assumed it had something to do with getting his memories back.

“Bucky..?” Y/N said softly cutting into the silence of the car.

“Yes?”

“What are you hoping to find in Brooklyn?” She asked.

“Memories, I suppose” He replied, “Of my past, maybe I’ll see something, and it will trigger a memory that was taken away from me. I need to remember who I was, what I have done.”

Y/N was quiet for a moment, “Do you really want to remember what they made you do as the Winter Soldier?”

“I have to remember, because if I do maybe there is some way of redemption after all this,” Bucky said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Y/N didn’t have a reply, she knew that was all he was looking for since he escaped Hydra. He knew of his deeds and what he had done and was only in search of redemption. The Winter Soldier was not who he was, it was only a part of him, but it was a part he had played for seventy years, not something easily erased. The memories of the Winter Soldier were only beginning to surface and she knew, the longer he was out of cryostatis and not in contact with the suppression machine, the quicker the memories would come flooding back.

After their brief conversation, they fell back into silence. The sun was rising when they pulled up to a face brick alleyway, Y/N looked out the window at the quiet alleyway and the red face brick building. They were apartments, and in the early hours of the morning, everyone mostly still asleep.

Bucky stepped out of the car, and shook his head slightly. As if he were trying to wake himself, from a dazed state.

“You okay?” Y/N asked, getting out and making her way to his side.

“Yeah, I just…this place is familiar, but it keeps escaping me” He murmured, his icy blue eyes gazing up at the building.

“You grew up here James,” Y/N said softly beside him, remembering this place from the files she had read on him,

Y/N watched as he grappled with his memories, his face flitting between confusion and anger. Then he abruptly turned back to the car, and grabbed the items in the back seat. Handing one of the backpacks to her, he began to walk down the alleyway.

The pair explored the area for almost two hours, Bucky had a notebook where he would jot down little writings, there were already pages filled with writing. Y/N didn’t want to intrude on his personal space, as she watched him scribble down something, before shutting the book and putting it back into the backpack. Y/N’s exhaustion got the better of her and she had to sit down. Taking a seat on a curb, she caught her breath as she watched Bucky, pace back and forth. The hustle and bustle of the borough had begun, people were walking all around, going to work, school, or running errands. They hardly paid any attention to the two of you, but you notice Bucky’s posture tense for a moment, before he walks up to you and reaches down, lifting you to your feet.

“We’re being watched.” He murmured in a slow voice, his gaze sweeping the area. There were so many faces that Y/N did not know who it was that was watching them. She got an icy feeling that swept across her body, giving her chills.

“We have to go now.” He said, placing a hand on the small of her back and guiding her through the busy street.

Bucky led her into a crowd of people, walking across the street. Pulling her closer to him as they quickly made their way through the crowd. He kept his head low, pulling the baseball cap on his head lower, so to avoid detection.

“Two Hydra agents, 3 o’clock” He murmured, clocking their position the second they hit the pavement, “One behind us.”

“What’s the play?” Y/N replied. Her gaze scanning their surroundings, following Bucky’s gaze. She spotted the agents, their gazes sweeping through the crowd in obvious search for the two of them.

“Corner restaurant, we walk in, exit through the back door.” He replied, nodding swiftly at her.

Y/N allowed him to steer her through the crowd, his flesh hand never leaving her back. Firmly pressed against it as they navigated their escape. As soon as the stepped into the bustling restaurant, one of the Hydra agents made them and he came charging after them.

“Run,” He muttered to her, giving her a slight shove. Y/N quickly bolted towards the back of the restaurant, startling the waiters and other staff members as she blew passed them, Bucky following closely behind her. They burst out the back door of the restaurant, ending up in a deserted alleyway. Bucky immediately pressed Y/N up against the wall beside the door and placed his metal index finger to her lips, motioning for her to be silent. He stepped behind the door, and a few seconds later the hydra agent that was hot on their heels came bursting through the door.

Bucky barely gave the man a second to register what was happening to him before he put him in a vice chokehold. Kicking him with in the back of the knees with such brute force that Y/N heard both his kneecaps crack out of place. The agent gasped out in pain as his air supply was cut off from Bucky’s hulking metal arm closed around his throat, and buckled to the ground.

Bucky did not relent, he slowly pulled the life from the agent. Cutting of his air, until the man convulsed a few times before going still. Y/N stepped forward, staring down at the dead agent, then she looked at Bucky, fear evident on her face.

Before she could open her mouth to say anything, the remaining two agents found them. A male and female agent, both drawing their weapons, they fired off multiple shots at both Y/N and Bucky. Bucky was on his feet with lightning speed, shoving Y/N behind him. He used his metal appendage to block the spray of bullets before moving forward and slamming his knee into the chest of the closest male Hydra agent. This sent the man flying across the alleyway and into the wall, a sickening crunch as he impacted with the wall, his body flailing limply to the ground.

Y/N watched in horror as his cracked exposed skull oozed thick red blood onto the concrete. She immediately knew the man was dead. The remaining agent, tried to surrender, dropping to her knees but Bucky did not hesitate. He drew his weapon and with tactical precision fired a round straight between her eyes.

The impact of the bullet cleaving through her skull, exiting through the back of her head. Her blonde hair violently whipping through the air at the impact, as her body crumpled to the ground.

Y/N stood up slowly, and looked at Bucky. His breathing heavy as he surveyed the damage. And the realization hit her, this was not James Buchanan Barnes, prisoner of war but the Winter Soldier. The assassin out of time, a masterfully crafted Hydra weapon, a terrifying force to be reckoned with.

Her heart was thundering in her chest as she looked around at the three dead agents, there was so much blood and gore, that even after all her years of being a doctor, she still whirled around and threw up against the wall.

Bucky turned around and looked at her, “Are you okay?” He asked, moving towards her, scanning her for any injuries,

Y/N raised a finger as she threw up again against the side of the wall. Then stood up, wiping the side of her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket. “No of course I am not fucking okay Bucky!” She exclaimed, slightly jostling her injured shoulder, which panged with pain. “You just killed three people in front of me!”

Bucky sighed, “They would have killed you, were they given the chance.” He pointed out.

Y/N knew he was right but it still didn’t sit right with her, taking a life wasn’t something she ever wanted to do. “But did you have to kill them?” She exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air,

“Get over it,” Bucky replied. Then turned around, holstering his gun and then bent over one of the agents. Searching his body for something. A few moments later he found what he was looking for, a slender silver phone. He quickly went through it, and read their orders, before tossing it to the ground and stepping on it, crushing it.

“We need to get out of here, it’s not safe anymore.” Bucky said, cursing himself internally for being so careless about scanning the surroundings before entering an area.

“Well where the fuck are we going to go?” Y/N asked. Sighing in frustration. This whole situation was tense for her, she didn’t know how to live on the run, to make looking over her should a second nature. It was all too stressful for her.

“I might know a place,” Bucky replied, offering her his hand, to which she obliged. Bucky quickly lead them back to the car and ushered her in. barely giving her a chance to ask any questions before he was starting the engine and racing off.

Twenty minutes later. They were pulling up in front a red face brick building. It looked mostly abandoned. “What is this place?” Y/N asked, as they got out of the car. Bucky shouldered their backpacks, and then began to walk towards the building.

“Old Hydra safehouse.” He replied.

“Hydra? Then what the hell are we doing here?” Y/N asked incredulously. This seemed like a bad idea.

“They will never think to look for us right beneath their noses, trust me.” Bucky said, throwing her a knowing look.

“How do you even know about this place?” Y/N asked, another question. As far as she was aware Bucky could not remember most things during his time as the Winter Soldier so him remembering this place seemed a little out of the ordinary.

“Someone I knew a long time ago showed me this place.” He replied, punching the keycode into the keypad on the door. It whirred for a moment then softly clicked open, Bucky stepped into the building as if he had been here a million times before.

Y/N followed him into the building. It was mostly empty save for a few dusty chairs and tables scattered around the vast space. It looked like am old abandoned base of sorts, there were cells, and rooms. And something that looked like a cryostatis chamber. But it was inactive.

Bucky led them to a room at the far end of the building, and tossed the backpacks on the bed. He immediately began walking around, scanning the rooms, taking in all the entrances and exits, planning the easiest escape and vantage points should they end up being attacked. He knew this place, because of her, she had shown it to him many years ago. A face he barely remembered, a name long forgotten, but he could never forget the fiery red mane that surrounded her beautiful face. She was a friend, an ally, a lover in the dark and cold world that he lived in. Until they took him from her, and forced him back into that machine, and stole his memories. The only part he ever kept of her was a single flashing, fleeting moment between them, that he had buried so deep within his mind not even Hydra could erase it.

Y/N’s soft voice suddenly brought him out of his wrestle with his memories as he searched them for a name, or a face to the red-haired woman from his past.

“B-Bucky,” Y/N stuttered behind him.

Bucky turned around to face her, and stopped dead in his tracks.

“Hello James,” her voice like smooth velvet against his ears.

It was her, the fiery redheaded woman. Seeing her face sparked a memory in Bucky’s mind.

*Flashback* ‘Cold, frost, chilled air, yet her body heat warmed him. A room in Budapest, naked bodies entangled with each other, kissing, fervent, hot, desperate. He felt it all, as he gripped onto her toned body. The intimacy between them unparalleled. He said he name again and again, allowing himself a small vulnerability for her. She brushed his hair away from his eyes, and said his name, James, a whisper, an utterance of love. He was hers and she was his. his heart, his savior, his Natalia.’ *Flashback ends*

He snapped out of his memory daze, and now she stood before him, holding a knife to the doctor’s throat. “Oh I have been looking for you,” She murmured, her beautiful green eyes boring into him, seemingly holding him in place.

That’s what Bucky felt beneath her piercing gaze, frozen. “Please.” was all he managed to croak out as more memories with her flooded his vision.

*Flashback* ‘Guns, bullets, shouts. Snow falling, a vision of black and red as she sprints passed him, a beautiful smirk on her face. She is a vision in the snowfall, cutting down their enemies as if she were a hot knife through butter. He is behind her, they fight in sync, not a step out of place. They move as a unit, a whole, a well-oiled machine. In the heat of battle, he feels it for her, once more he is hers and she is his, his viper, his cunning, his Natalia. A heart full of love.’ *Flashback ends*

“Bucky,” Y/N’s voice cuts into his memory. He blinks a few times, staring intently at the ground and shakes his head. As if he is waking from a long dream, Bucky stumbles slightly and looks up at her, at both of them. The recognition clicking into place, like a long-lost puzzle piece.

“Natalia” He whispers, his eyes trailing to the woman, as if fixated by her.

Beside Y/N, she feels her attack tense up for a moment. The redheaded woman’s breath hitches in her throat as she gazes at Bucky. Y/N cannot tell if it is love, lust or anger, but all the emotions are there.

“James.” She repeats, her green eyes never leaving his icy blue ones.

“Let her go, please Tovarish,” Bucky said, quietly, pleadingly.

“Then remember, James.” The woman named Natalia murmurs as she pressed the knife harder against Y/N’s throat,

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, more memories. Hitting him like a ton of bricks.

*Flash back begins* ‘It’s hot, he’s entering the room. She is promised to another, but he needs her, he craves her. She is sitting on the bed, naked and glorious. A smile that lights up his darkness.

“You shouldn’t be here James.” She mumbles, but doesn’t make him leave.

“I need to see you.” He replies voice low, husky.

‘She is all-consuming, everything he dreams of. He reaches out, touches her, kissing her deeply. She leans in to his touch, its vibrant, its hot, its an electric love. Then suddenly, its wrong, there’s violence, there’s bullets and threats. She is screaming, screaming his name and he is being dragged away. Then there is silence, cold, isolating silence and he cannot remember her. Not her face, not her name, not her loving touch, nor her love. Its just gone…’ *Flashback end*

Bucky cries out and falls to his knees, as the emotions wash over him. Y/N watches in amazement, he is having a memory relapse. She knows this, and it is one so powerful, not even she could help him with all her knowledge of memory suppression. The memories that he had unleashed were ripping through his mind and emotions, leaving him a vulnerable man on his knees and it was all because of her. The striking woman in black with fiery red hair.

“Bucky, listen to me.” Y/N called out to him, ignoring the blade pressed to her throat, “Follow my voice Bucky.”

Bucky looked up at her weakly. How had this woman brought him to his knees with just a few words, with just her appearance.

“Focus on my voice Bucky.” Y/N repeated, and Bucky stilled, his icy blue eyes focusing on her. He took a deep breath and steadied himself, slowly rising up. Hia visage of the Winter Soldier setting in, and Y/N knew a fight was going to ensue. She prepared herself. 

“Natalia Alianova Romanova,” His voice, steely, cold and calculating, “The infamous Black Widow.”

Then it suddenly registered in Y/N’s head who she was, a former KGB/Hydra agent. Now an Avenger, she fought alongside Captain America and his band of merry men. But why had she had this affect on Bucky, she couldn’t understand.

“Let her go.” Bucky repeated, “I won’t ask again.” 

Beside her, the Black Widow snorted, “We have been down this road before James, you know the outcome.”

Bucky’s gaze hardened. “Don’t make me hurt you Natalia.”

Another snort of disgust from the Black Widow, before she quickly shoved Y/N out of her grasp. Y/N stumbled a few feet and then fell to her knees. Startled by the sudden movement. Before she could register what was happening, Natalia launched herself at Bucky, a flurry of limbs and movement. The pair attacked each other ferociously. Swinging relentlessly. Bucky throwing ferocious punches, and kicks at her, and the Widow jumping and dodging them easily. It was as if they had done this a thousand times before, they moved with fluidity. Knowing each other’s every move, like water coursing down a river bed.

Y/N scrambled out of their reach, and pressed herself up against the wall. Watching in amazement as the two of them fought. It was like watching art, until finally Bucky bested her. Tossing her as if she were a mere rag-doll against the wall. Natalia landed with a thud on the hard-tiled floor.

She groaned but got to her feet quickly resuming her stance, “James!” She exclaimed, “Listen to me! Steve is looking for you.” This made Bucky hesitate for a moment, and just stare at her. 

“You know him, the man on the bridge!” The widow repeated, circling him. 

“Steve Rogers, Captain America, your friend.” She insisted. 

A confused look on his face as he grappled with his memories once more. Steve, a name so familiar yet so inescapably out of his reach. ‘I’m with you till the end of the line, pal’ the words rang out in his memory as he saw a flash of blonde hair, blue eyes, red, white and blue. Bucky suddenly cried out and clutched his head with both hands, the memories hurt it all hurt as it came flooding back. 

Y/N used this as her opportunity, seeing Natalia distracted. She pulled her gun from the holster and fired three rounds at the woman. Landing all three to her amazement. The black Widow cried out in amazement, looking down at the bullets now lodged in her shoulder and abdomen. Then at Y/N, “How? You little bitch.” She spat but did not attack again and immediately began to retreat. Turning heel and rushing out the door. Y/N had expected more of a fight from her, but she didn’t care in that moment.

Dropping her weapon to the floor, she rushed to Bucky’s side. “Bucky, Bucky, can you hear me.” She murmured, gripping him with her one good arm.

Bucky’s eyes were glazed over, Y/N knew the memories were rushing back, like a torrential downpour. Too many emotions and memories could prove lead to a seizure and prove fatal. She needed to supress the memories and fast.

Bucky’s eyes suddenly focused on her, and he shoved her forcefully way. There is fear and rage and malice in his eyes, as he grapples between the Winter Soldier and James Buchanan Barnes in his mind. 

Y/N was sent flying back a few feet, winded at the force. Y/N landed beside the gun, her shoulder screaming in pain as she landed on it. Picking up the gun, Y/N knew there was only one thing that would stop his memory spiral.

“I’m sorry Bucky, this isn’t going to be pleasant for either of us.” she mumbled, and the picked up the gun, using the butt of the weapon she walked over to where he was bent over on his hands and knees. And slammed the weapon into the back of his head, hearing a nauseating crack, Bucky went slack,

The last words escaping his lips were, “Steve, I’m sorry, I gotta go.” Before he blacked out.


	7. Bordeaux ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is now faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to give me feedback, I really love this chapter!!!!!! I have been on a biiiiit of a hiatus , had to take some time off writing! but i'm back and I hope ya'll enjoy it!

Y/N paced across the large span of the warehouse floor. Glancing every few minutes at Bucky who was seated on a balance beam above her. He was looking through some old files he had found, perched on the rooftop like an owl. When she had asked him why he was sitting up there, he just grunted at her and then ignored her for the rest of the time.

Bucky was still reeling from some of his memories returning, and ever since he had seen Natasha Romanoff. He had practically withdrawn into himself. It was only three nights after Y/N had nearly broken his skull, that he finally spoke to her again. Even then it was three-word sentences at most.

Bucky wanted to get out of New York, he wanted to get away from hydra, Shield, from it all. He needed time to discover who he was, and he didn’t want distractions. Distractions like Steve Rogers and his Avengers showing up wherever they were.

Eventually Y/N became tired of pacing and sat down cross legged on the dusty floor, in a huff. Crossing her left arm over her sling. Her hair falling into her face, a scowl on her face.

Bucky looked down at her from his spot on the beam, she looked like a child sulking on the floor. Despite himself, Bucky managed a small smirk upon seeing her. He lowered himself down from the beam and dropped a good twenty feet to the floor. He landed with a thud, breaking his fall with his muscular arms. The sudden thud startled Y/N, as he landed a few feet away from her.

“Why are you always on the floor.” Said Bucky more rhetorically than anything else. As he stood before her, Y/N couldn’t help but let her gaze wander over his hulking frame. From head to toe Bucky was 200 pounds of pure muscle.

He suddenly bent down and leaned toward her, his face level with hers. His sudden movement snapped her out of her thoughts, “Are you awake in there?” He asked, tapping his index finger on her forehead.

“Yes, go away.” She said, swatting his hand away from her face, she could feel a blush creeping into her cheeks.

Bucky straightened up, “How’s your shoulder?” He asked.

“Getting better I guess.” She replied, standing up with him. The pain was still there but it didn’t require being in a sling that much.

“How much mobility do you have?” Bucky asked again, moving closer so to inspect her shoulder.

“More than I expected to have, it missed most of the bone. It’s only muscle that has to heal now.” Y/N said, removing her arm from the sling. Wincing slightly as a bit of pain lanced through her shoulder.

“Good, you need to start training soon.” Bucky mused, taking the sling from her and tossing it to the floor. “How proficient are you with a gun?”

“Like how’s my accuracy?” Y/N said, “I would say 90%.”

“Not good enough, it needs to be at 100%” He replied, taking a few steps back. Bucky drew his gun and grabbed the silencer off the nearby table, screwing it on. “Take your gun stance.” He ordered

Y/N obliged and squared her shoulders. Feet shoulders width apart and waited for him to hand her the gun, but he didn’t. Instead Bucky raised the gun toward her,

“What are you doing?” She asked nervously, staring down the barrel of his gun.

“Do you trust me?” Bucky asked softly.

Y/N didn’t know what to say, but as she looked into his icy blue eyes. She felt a sense of calm come over her. Of course she trusted him, she didn’t know why she trusted him, she just did.

“Yes.” She said confidently.

Bucky steadied the gun and took his aim. He fired off four rounds in quick succession. Moving so quickly that Y/N barely saw his hand move. She shut her eyes as she heard the soft whirr of the bullets that passed by her, a hairsbreadth away from her face. When she opened her eyes, she looked at Bucky. He lowered his gun and holstered it.

Checking her body to see if she was hit anywhere, Y/N turned around and saw four bullet holes in the wood behind her head. In a perfect square. Bucky’s accuracy was immaculate.

“Holy fuck.” She murmured, running her fingers across the now splintered wood. “How did you do that?!”

“Seventy years of training.” Was his response, then he came over and handed her his gun, Bucky stood beside her, unnaturally close to her.

“Shoot.” He instructed.

Y/N took the gun from him and held it in her left hand, her weaker hand. Squeezing the trigger slightly, the gun fired off a round, there was almost no sound, except for the click of the bullet shifting through the shaft releasing the gunpowder.

It wasn’t a bad shot, it hit the wooden beam in front of them. Lodging itself deeply within it.

“Not bad.” Bucky said, “But, adjust your stance.” He placed one of his legs between her legs from behind her and nudged them apart slightly.

“Look through the barrel.” He said softly, his face right beside hers. Y/N’s heart begun to beat a little faster at the closeness of the situation. Bucky lifted his metal arm, and gently touched her shoulder with it. “Relax your stance, you’re too tense.” He said,

Y/N quickly released the tension in her shoulders, and let his hands guide her. Bucky placed his flesh hand on her waist, drawing her a little closer to him and then with his metal arm, he positioned the gun in her hand. “See your target before it moves.” He said in a deep voice. His hot breath sending a shiver down her spine as it brushed against her neck.

“Visualize hitting it.” He continued. Y/N was finding it hard to focus on the target in front of her, Bucky’s hand on her waist was a distraction, his face so close to hers she could feel his soft hair brushing against her cheek, his cool metal hand gripping her wrist. It was proving very difficult indeed to pay attention to his instructions.

“Take a deep breath and fire.” Bucky said.

She took a deep breath, steadying her now pounding heart and fired the gun again. This time it entirely missed the beam, and went into a concrete wall nearby.

“You’re not focusing.” He pointed out, letting go of her. He stepped back and then moved in front of her. Taking a few steps back, he lined himself up with the wooden beam they were firing at.

“Shoot.” Bucky instructed again.

“What, no I am going to hit you.” She exclaimed,

“Just shoot.” He repeated.

“Bucky, I am not shooting at you,” Y/n refused lowering the gun, she knew she wasn’t a good enough shot to miss him, and the last thing she needed was to mistakenly put a bullet in the Winter Soldier.

“Y/N, I said shoot.” Bucky said, this time it sounded like an order not a request.

“I cant.” She replied.

“Raise your fucking weapon.” Bucky said harshly, the anger in his tone startled her and she did as he said. “Put your finger on the trigger, now.” He barked,

Y/N placed her finger on the trigger. Her heart hammering in her chest, trying to steady her nerves, Y/N focused her sight on the beam behind Bucky and took a deep breath.

“Shoot.” Bucky ordered.

This time she obeyed and pulled the trigger. Half expecting him to end up on the floor, Y/N was amazed as the bullet sailed smoothly passed his head and hit the wooden beam, splintering it on impact.

This earned her a smile from him, “See the difference if you focus.” He said,

Y/N stared at him amazed. “I honestly thought I was going to hit you.” She murmured, handing back his weapon.

Bucky put the gun back into the holster then looked her over. “I have a plan.” He stated.

“I am listening.” She replied,

“Firstly, we need to leave this place for a while. Secondly, this plan involves a ship, so I hope you are okay with the ocean and lastly, we need to find new clothes.” He said, motioning his plan with three fingers.

“Uh okay, do I get more of an explanation?” Y/N said, feeling confused by his rather vague description.

“No.” was all he said, before he started walking away.

Y/N sighed deeply, the few months she had spent with Bucky she had come to learn to just go along with his plans. It always seemed to work out in the end, as much as she hated being in the dark and being mostly yanked around with him. Bucky had her back and she had his and in this moment, that was all she needed to know to go along with his plan.

______________________________________

Getting clothes was easy enough for Y/N, she had access to a bank account her father had set up for her in secret that was untraceable. Cashing out some of the funds, Y/N bought herself a whole new wardrobe as well as Bucky. It was weird finding clothes for him, or finding clothes that fit his hulking frame.

Bucky had been preoccupied with getting them a way onto their mode of transport. He had managed to convince a ship captain to give the two of them a job on his rig that was travelling to the port of Bordeaux in France. From there it would be easy enough for them to get to Paris, which was their desired destination.

The week they were to travel, they had gathered up their belongings and gone to the shipping yard before dawn. The men and women aboard the ship didn’t seem to care much about the two of them, everyone mostly kept to themselves. It was sort of an unspoken rule among them that they didn’t ask questions about each other. They worked in relative silence, only speaking when necessary. Bucky seemed in his element, he enjoyed the silence and the demanding work, it took his mind off a lot of the issues that plagued him.

Y/N on the other hand was struggling just a little. A week into working on the rig, she was exhausted from the heavy lifting, and twelve-hour days that she had to work. By the end of every night, she would crash into her pillow in the tiny cabin she shared with Bucky and sleep like a dead person.

She was actively counting down the days till they arrived in France, eager to get off the rig and have her feet on solid ground. The worst for her was the sea sickness. Every few hours she was throwing up overboard and getting filthy looks from her crew members. But nevertheless, she endured the arduous work and exhaustion for Bucky’s sake, she didn’t complain no matter how tired her body was. She didn’t want to seem a weak bitch to him.

Three nights before their arrival at the Bordeaux Port Atlantique , Y/N was sitting in the quiet cramped cabin. Bucky was above deck, working with one of the crew members, she had a moment of peace to herself, without someone yelling orders at her, or her doing some other tedious task on board.

She was looking out the small window, feeling sleep approaching, when she noticed Bucky’s hard cover black notebook. It had been haphazardly placed in his bag, a grey t-shirt pulled over it loosely. Reaching down, Y/N picked it up and flipped through it. She knew she was invading his privacy by doing this and it was wrong, but she couldn’t resist. She had wanted to know what he wrote in the journals from the moment she saw them.

The pages were filled with his scribbles. Small notes about memories or feelings he had. There was a whole section about Steve Rogers, and the Avengers, and S.H.I.E.L.D. There were clippings of articles dating back to the 40’s about him. And Y/N wondered where he had found the time to get these.

As she flipped through it, glancing over some of the writings, she stopped abruptly at one of the journal entries. It was dated a few nights back.

2 April

Its always the same dream. Blood and death, the screams don’t stop. It haunts my very soul. The more I remember the more I wish I could forget that part of me. Sleep is a foreign concept to me, every time I close my eyes. All I see is the faces, all their faces. It’s the horrors of my past that haunt me. I can’t erase that part of me, every door I open I find more dastardly deeds that I have committed. I see the stories of my actions when I was a Howling Commando, following Captain America, yet I don’t recognise that person. I haven’t been James Buchanan Barnes in a very long time.

But with her, it seems easier. She so quiet, and reserved yet so formidable. She makes this journey more bearable for me. Her presence always seems to command my attention. All I want is to protect her, I would gladly lay my life on the line for that. Her face is everything I need to see, to centre me. God, she is a miracle and a hope that I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams. I don’t know why she captivates me so much, she shakes me to my core with just one smile. I don’t know what this feeling is, but if its meant to be love, then what I feel for her has got to be the purest form of love I have ever felt.

Y/N read and reread the entry again and again. She was entirely taken aback at what Bucky had written. It felt wrong to read his intimate thoughts, but this was about her. She flipped the page and saw a drawing. It as of her, the drawing was of her, looking up at something, a small smile on her face. Bucky had obviously drawn it. He managed to capture her look down to the very minutest detail.

Guilt flashed through her, and she quickly placed the notebook back into his bag. And with great timing as he walked into the room. Y/N quickly sat back down on her bed, and looked up at hi, her heart pounding.

Bucky sat down opposite her on his bed, which was way too small and barely just fit his hulking frame. He looked tired, as he pulled off the gloves he always wore to hide his metal appendage. Y/N silently watched him, after reading his journal entry she felt something different towards him. She knew she couldn’t mention anything, without feeling like an asshole for invading his privacy.

Bucky pulled off his jacket, and baseball cap that he always wore. His dark fair falling free into his dazzling blue eyes. Y/N shifted her gaze to his muscular chest and bulging biceps, which were exposed in the grey t-shirt that he wore, which seemed a size too small for him. It was easy for Y/N to admit she found Bucky insanely attractive, anyone would find him attractive. His features were striking and unforgettable, from his amazing eyes to his 200-pound muscular body. Even as tired as he looked, he was still devastatingly handsome.

“You’re staring.” Bucky said, snapping Y/N out of her thoughts. She immediately blushed and looked away from him. She had a habit of getting lost gazing at him. It was embarrassing for her really.

“I wasn’t looking at you.” She replied, trying not to smile.

“Sure. Whatever you say” He chuckled, laying down on his bed. His metal arm hanging down the side of the bed. Glinting in the dimly lit room.

Y/N got off her bed, and daringly sat on the floor beside his bed. This action startled him,

“What are you doing?” He asked, looking at her in confusion.

“I want to see your arm.” Y/N replied, holding out her hand to touch his metal appendage.

“Why?” Bucky asked.

“Because I am a scientist and It intrigues me.” She said, touching his metal arm. And when he didn’t pull away, Y/N used this opportunity to get closer to him. She marvelled at the smooth ridges and mechanics of the arm. She ran her hand across it, all the way up to his shoulder. Stopping when the t-shirt began to cover his arm once more.

When she looked up at him, she found him gazing intensely at her. Bucky reached up with his metal arm and brushed his fingers against her neck. With only the slightest touch, the cool metal giving her goose bumps as it contacted her skin. Bucky sat up, and moved his hand up to her face, slightly gripping her jaw between his cool metal digits.

Y/N’s heart was hammering in her chest at his touch. He hardly ever touched her with his metal arm, even the one time they did have sex, he never touched her once with it. In fact he always keeps his glove on when he does make contact with his left arm.

“You should be afraid of this.” He murmured, gripping her face a little tighter between his metal hand, “Not intrigued.” His face now inches away from hers as he bent down towards her, as she sat on her haunches before him.

“I’m not afraid of you Bucky.” Y/N replied softly, “I know you won’t hurt me.”

Bucky didn’t respond, he just looked her once over before releasing her jaw from his grip.

“We should sleep.” He said gruffly, as he laid back down on his bed. Leaving Y/N wanting more than just his soft touches that night.

The days moved by quickly, as their journey neared its end. And when they finally docked in Bordeaux, Y/N was ecstatic the moment her feet hit the docks. Grinning widely as she took in her surroundings, the harbour was bustling with people going about their day. Beside her Bucky held their bags and motioned for her to follow him through the crowd as they made their way out of the harbour.

Bucky was cautious and attentive to their surroundings, taking it, all in. keeping an eye out for anything suspicious. He knew there would never be a moment when they wouldn’t be looking over their shoulders, even half way across the world. Hydra was everywhere. He looked over at Y/N beside him, and couldn’t help but smile. She was looking around, seemingly taken with everything around her as her eyes wandered across the harbour. A small smile splayed on her face, she looked happier than he had seen her in the last few weeks. He knew being on the rig was difficult for her, but she had been a trooper and stuck it out without complaining once.

A few minutes later they were getting into a taxi, Y/N was eager to find a hotel room and take a hot shower. She had only barely managed to convince Bucky that it was necessary before they began their tedious drive to Paris. Bucky was a rigorous planner, he wanted to stick to every plan down to the last detail. But Y/N needed to feel some normalcy after being on the ocean for almost 3 weeks.

The driver dropped them off at a small bed and breakfast, after Y/N had asked him to take them to a secluded romantic hotel, under the guise that her and Bucky were on a romantic getaway. The upside of being in France was that Y/N spoke French, the driver even complimented her on her accent saying, she sounded like she was French. Bucky was tense the entire time they were in the cab, he kept glancing at the driver, with a scowl on his face.

Y/N knew Bucky didn’t trust anyone easily, so she didn’t say anything when he angrily got out of the taxi, tossed the driver money and grabbed their bags. Not bothering to thank the man, Y/N shot him an apologetic look and thanked the driver before hurrying after Bucky.

When Y/N stepped into the cool airconditioned reception of the secluded hotel, she was greeted by the smell of fresh coffee and the scent of vanilla. Bucky was already at the reception, speaking in French to the concierge. From the look on the concierge’s face, he seemed wary of Bucky. He was suspiciously eyeing him while he looks for a room. Y/N walked up to them and gave the man a smile,

“Bonjour Monsieur” Y/N said in a sweet voice. Her presence seemed to ease the man, whose name was Francois, or at least according to his name tag it was. He returned her greeting,

“Your girlfriend?” Francois asked Bucky, looking between the two of you.

“Sa Femme.” Y/N replied before Bucky could. His wife. Then slipped her arm around Bucky’s waist and placing a kiss on his cheek. This was part of their ruse, so thankfully Bucky went along with it, and put his arm around her shoulders and smiled at her.

The concierge nodded with a smile, then handed a key to Bucky and lead the two of them to their room. Once he was gone, Bucky shut the door and turned to Y/N,

“My wife?” He questioned.

Y/N shrugged, “Seems more believable than being your girlfriend.”

“Yes but we don’t have wedding rings?” Bucky replied, “And I can’t wear one.” He raised his gloved metal arm.

“Semantics.” She replied, and began to take off her clothes. She was eager to get into a hot shower and eat something, she didn’t care that she was getting naked in front of him, its not like he hadn’t seen her naked before. All she wanted was to feel like a normal person again even for just a moment.

Bucky watched as she shed her clothes. A flutter in his chest as she pulled her shirt off, her hair loosely tumbling down her shoulders and into her face. The sunlight in the room, casting a warm glow across her visage and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. His eyes trailing after her as she entered the bathroom and shut the door behind her. He took a seat on the couch, sighing deeply.

“You are so fucked Barnes.” He murmured to himself as he thought about Y/N, naked just on the other side of the bathroom door.

Half an hour later, Y/N emerged from the bathroom, feeling like a whole new person. Wrapped in one of the soft towels provided by the hotel, hair still dripping wet, she entered the room. Bucky was sitting on the couch looking over a folder, he glanced up at her, then back down at his folder. He suddenly froze and looked back at her, she was wearing just the fluffy white towel that barely covered her fragile yet toned body.

Her body was still wet, droplets of water running down her smooth skin. Bucky shifted in his seat, and had to readjust himself as he felt his blood pump faster to his nether region. He stood up and moved towards her, unsure of what had taken over him. He suddenly craved her touch like a starved man, his mind wandered back to the first time they kissed, the first time he as inside her and his blood coursed faster through him. Y/N turned to face him, startled by his movement toward her. He had an unreadable expression on his face as his gaze raked across her body. With two sure strides he was suddenly standing in front of her, He couldn’t help himself, as he stood inches away from her. he had to touch her, kiss her. He had to do something. Her hair still wet from the shower, he trailed his fingers across her chest and felt her shiver, “Bucky…what are you doing?” her voice, soft and measured. 

“Running with it.” He murmured, eyes closed, appreciating the sound of her voice. His reached for the towel that barely covered her and tugged at it. Letting it fall to the ground, exposing her naked body. Bucky opened his eyes and gazed at her. Feeling himself get lost in her eyes, her bright beautiful soulful eyes. Again there’s that damn flutter in his chest.

He moves closer to her, their faces centimetres away from each other and he runs his flesh hand across the side of her body. Not taking his gaze off her face, he could hear her heart hammering in her chest. 

Y/N reaches up and cups his face, pulling him into a kiss. This was all the consent Bucky needed. His primal desperate need for her was unleashed and he wraps his arm around her waist. Hoisting her up into his arms. Y/N instinctively leans into him and locks her legs around his waist. His cool metal hand at the nape of her neck, holding her as he urgently locked his lips to hers.

Bucky stumbles a few steps with her in his arms, and they slam against the wall. Desperate, clawing, tugging at each other. Y/N pulls off his t-shirt, desperate to feel his toned body beneath her hands, she tosses it to the floor. He holds her up against the wall, pressed up between her legs, his arousal growing with each passing second of them fervently making out.

His mouth moving down her neck, Y/N sighing headily as he nipped at neck. Her fingers tugging at his hair. His hands pressed against her ribcage now, holding her in place. Y/N reaches down and unbuttons his jeans, hands fumbling with the zipper as she draws it down. He needs her, and she needs him, it’s a tangle of limbs and kissing, moans and grunts as he strips then he’s holding her up against the wall again. Kissing her roughly, his hands tangled in her hair, he grabs a fistful and tugs her head back. Exposing her neck and kisses it roughly, leaving an angry red bruise after every kiss he places down her throat.

Y/N’s head spinning at the sheer level of arousal between the two of them. Bucky’s hands cant seem to get enough of her body, his hands roaming everywhere. His metal arm dips between her legs, slightly brushing against her core. She gasps at the cold but arches her body into his fingers. Relishing as they entered her, the cold metal, the slow movement of his metal digits inside her, the pleasure it made her feel.

Suddenly she needed more of him, the kissing and finger fucking wasn’t enough. She wanted all of him inside her.

“More.” She panted, shoving him away. Bucky stumbled back, confused as he drew his fingers out of her. She leaned against the wall, naked and panting. And he realized what she meant. Grabbing her by the arm, he pulled her body against his and kissed her roughly again, before swiftly picking her up and tossing her onto the bed.

Not missing a beat, he grabbed her ankles and pulled her to the edge of the bed. Gripping them with force. Y/N could feel the skin bruising, but savored the painful pleasure. Still holding her ankles in his vice grip, Bucky trails kisses along them, all the way across her calves toward her inner thighs. She is practically dripping with arousal, anticipatedly waiting for him to settle between her legs again.

Bucky slow kisses across her hips his hands raking across the skin on her inner thighs and she bucks her hips toward him. “Bucky.” Y/N moaned her sexual frustration growing as he teased her.

He knew he was driving her insane, but its what he wanted. Suddenly he was on top of her, between her legs. his cock pressing against her sex, his mouth on hers. He entered her, agonizingly slowly. His lips brushing against hers softly as he did so, Y/N gasped softly at the swell and instant wave of pleasure that washed over her as she felt him inside her.

He began to thrust into her slowly, this time it was different than the last. He fucked her last time, this time he wanted to consume her, all of her. He wanted to see her, feel her, he wanted her beneath him moaning his name again and again until she was a writhing mess of pleasure, all because of him. His need for her was primal, unexplainable and raw.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Bucky murmured against her mouth, watching her face contort with pleasure with each steady stroke of him inside of her.

Y/N couldn’t reply, she was panting against his mouth as he fucked her. She felt breathless beneath his icy blue gaze, his eyes alight with lust. Her orgasm rapidly approaching, “Bucky.” She sighed again and again, as their rhythm picked up.

“Let go.” He murmured against her neck, trailing kisses across her pulse and then she snapped, his command sending her over the edge. Coming loudly, nails raking across his back and her body arching off the bed. Pressing against him. Y/N orgasmed, hard. Her head spinning from pleasure, breathing rapidly as she fell back onto the bed. Bucky wasn’t done her, at least not yet.

Giving her a moment of reprieve before he pulled out of her and flipped her onto her stomach. His sudden movement startling her, and she let out a small yelp. He yanked her hips toward him, she was on her hands and knees on the bed. His metal arm closing around her neck as he leaned over her. She feels his hard erection pressed up against her back as he clambers onto the bed behind her. Bucky enters her again, using his arm to prop himself up, he begins thrusting again. Skin to skin, their bodies flush against each other. He bites the back of her neck, metal arm clenching slightly around her petite neck.

The way her body moves in sync with his, drives him insane. Each steady thrust pushing closer to the edge. He had sex before with multiple woman, but nothing that felt quite like this. It was like their bodies were made for each other, they fit together like a puzzle. The feelings and emotions between them palpable, there was no explaining what was going on between them. It was electric. They let their bodies do the talking.

After four mind-altering orgasms, they both crash onto the pillows, their bodies a tangled tired mess. Gasping for breath. Y/N is breathless, both covered in a thin sheen of post coital sweat. Her skin feels like its on fire, Bucky lay beside her, his chest rapidly rising and falling. In the warm afternoon sun, he turns to look at her. His dark hair falling into his eyes as it always did. A small smirk on his face, like he seemed proud of his handiwork.

Bucky moved closer to her, and propped himself onto his elbow. Gazing down at her, the evident look of love plastered all over his handsome face “You are everything.” Was all he said, before placing a soft kiss on her forehead, nose and then mouth.


	8. Paris!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader worked for Hydra, a young scientist, all her life she had been lied to. Thinking Hydra were working for the good of mankind. Until she is put in charge of The Winter Soldier, and is now faced with the morality of her work. Takes place during the Winter Soldier. Kind of canon but not really??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to making a mood board for this fic! and I kinda of love it. Also the feedback I have been getting on this fic has been so amazing, so THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! ILYSM
> 
> Moodboard link: https://78.media.tumblr.com/cbcabfd786c85737d43977b0a7f87d88/tumblr_inline_p3f8g99xhU1uqmk22_1280.jpg

Paris.

The dark skies and torrential downpour, put a dampen on Y/N’s mood. It had been raining nonstop for almost 24 hours since they had arrived. A sharp strike of lightening lit up the hotel room for only a moment, followed by a deafening clap of thunder. Beside her, Bucky lay soundly asleep, his metal arm lazily draped over her chest, cool metal hand lightly wrapped around her neck. The last few nights between them had been electric, there was nonstop kissing, touching, feeling, whispers of affection. They spent two extra days than necessary in Bordeaux, hardly leaving the hotel room.

When they finally did leave for Paris, Bucky’s entire mood had changed. It was like a dark cloud settled over him, and he became muted and angsty once more. Y/N was unsure of why this was, but she had assumed it had something to do with what happened in Paris last time he was here.

Thunder clapped through the sky again, and the rain poured down harder. Y/N was unable to sleep that night. Whereas a few minutes post coitus that night Bucky was soundly asleep. Y/N couldn’t shake a feeling that had come over it, it was like an icy grip was hovering over her heart for some reason and she had no clue where it was coming from. Like a sense of impending doom.

Sighing irritably, she slowly moved out of Bucky’s grip. Careful not to wake him up or jostle him too much as she got out of the bed. Quickly picking up Bucky’s discarded t-shirt and pulling it on to cover up her nakedness, she makes her way to the window, and take a seat on the sill.

Staring out at the brightly lit city of Paris before her. Even beneath the torrential rains, it was still a beautifully intoxicating city. The silence of the night and the steady hum of the rain against the windows calmed her nerves. Y/N sat for a good half an hour enjoying the quiet moment to herself.

Suddenly there’s a soft rustle of the bedsheets, and she hears Bucky murmur. It’s almost inaudible but the string of broken words form a sentence which he repeats twice and agitatedly twitches in his sleep.

‘Mission report. May 12th , 1956’

She hears the soft clack of metal and his metal arm forms a solid fist. The whirrs and clicks of the mechanics, shifting each plate as it activated.

He repeats the sentence again, this time forming more of the sentence. His speech switching between English and Russian.

‘Ya gotov otvechat’

‘Mission report. Paris May 12th, 1956. Objective: Algerian Peace Conference Envoy. All targets eliminated’

Bucky shifts in the bed again, Y/N can see the distress on his face even in the darkness. And she moves toward the bed, knowing he is having a flash back. Y/n had to tread lightly around him when he was having a memory surge, they always ended violently for him if he was startled wake.

“James” She whispered standing a few feet away from the bed, her heart rate spiking as she watched his metal arm clench and unclench. The Winter Soldier and him fighting for control. He twitches anxiously again, his metal appendage thoroughly activated now.

“Bucky!” Y/N repeats taking a step closer.

Bucky is lost in his dream. His voice murmurs again, strained and pained. He chokes out three names.

‘Jacques Dupuy, Itsu Akihiro, Alexi Shostakov’

Y/N assumed these had been targets of his, she needed to break him out of the caged dream he was in. The agitation rolling off his body was tangible now, and she knew if he woke while the Winter Soldier was activated in his dreams, it would end in disaster for both of them.

“James Buchanan Barnes.” Y/N said reaching out to touch him. The second her fingers made contact with his bare chest, Bucky’s eyes flew open, he flings himself off the bed and with the swiftness of a striking viper, Bucky’s metal fist slammed into Y/N’s chest. Sending her sprawling across the room and into the wall.

She was entirely winded. Her lungs gasping for air which her throat was unable to provide. Her vision was spotting. A few seconds later pain crashed over her like a tidal wave, and she knew that was at least a broken collar bone and a few fractured ribs from that hit.

“She’s just a child!” Bucky cried, his eyes wild and frantic as he looks around the room. Dropping into an aggressive stance. In her disorientated state Y/N knew she had to get to him before the winter soldier took over entirely, forcing herself to her feet she moves toward him ignoring the screaming pain that lanced across her entire upper body.

“Bucky!” Y/N gasped as she stumbled toward him, “James! Look at me!”

He turned to face her. His eyes dark, and angry, three strides toward her and his metal fist closes around her neck. The Winter Soldier now stands before her, he is still captured in his dream.

“Buck.” She gasps, her breath now being choked from her. There’s a spark of mercilessness and death in his eyes, and her vision swims with pain as he slams her into the ground with force. Hovering over her as he chokes her.

“P-P-Please, Bucky.” Y/N chokes out, “Fight it James, come back to me.”

A glint of recognition flits across his face, and his vice grip loosens around her neck. “She’s just a child.” He muttered, his voice chocked full of emotion, “But she’s just a child…” he lifts her up by the neck and slams her into the floor again.

“I know Bucky, I know. It’s ok, I am here.” Y/N said softly, her pain unbearable but she shoves it aside. In this moment Bucky just needed to feel the touch of love and kindness to snap him out of his dream. She reaches up, and her collarbone protests in pain, but she cups his face in her hand.

“You’re okay Bucky. You’re safe.” His face suddenly softens and a look of terror takes over as he awakens. His metal arm immediately withdrawing from her neck, falling back on his haunches, Bucky looks at her on the floor.

Y/n is immediately gasping for air, as soon as his arm leaves her neck. Coughing and spluttering on the floor she rolls over onto her side. Holding her neck, where she can feel the skin has already begun to bruise and blot.

“N-no,” Bucky stammers in horror and he scrambles away from her, “Wh-what have I done.” He presses his back up against the wall and stares at Y/N on the floor. He wants to reach out and touch her, make sure she’s okay but his terror freezes him in place.

Y/N gets up and looks over at him, all she sees is his terror and it breaks her heart to see him this way. “Bucky, its okay. I am fine.” She murmurs and reaches her hand out toward him. Wincing in pain as she felt a crack shift through her collar bone once more.

The raw emotion on Bucky’s face was so intense, Y/N teared up. He look terrified, haunted, broken as he pressed himself up against the wall. As if he were trying to disappear within it. Forcing herself up, Y/N crawled toward him and settled between his legs.

“No, No stay away.” He cried out in panic as she moved closer to him, “I am a monster.”

Every movement, jostle and shift she made. Her body screamed out in pain, but she ignored it. Bucky needed her and that was all that mattered. “James,” She murmured, cupping his face in her hands, “Look at me.”

Bucky’s terrified gaze settled on her. His body shaking, his breath short and rapid. There are tears in his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes, tortured and wounded after witnessing so many horrors he had been forced to commit with his own hands.

“You are not a monster.” Y/N breathed, her chest aching as she drew in a breath. “You are a good man” she kissed the side of his mouth softly,

“You are an honourable man” she kisses his jaw,

“You are and never have been a monster but a victim.” She kisses his mouth softly, feeling him relax slightly beneath her touch.

“You are alive and safe, and I am here and I need you Bucky. I need James Buchanan Barnes.” Y/N whispered against his mouth.

She felt shim shiver as the words left his mouth and then his arms wrapped around her waist, Crushing her body against his chest. Y/N squeezed her eyes shut in pain, tears prickling at the corners as Bucky held her.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Bucky repeated as he buried his head in the crook of her neck. She could feel the dampness of his tears against her neck, and his heart constricted at the thought of how broken and helpless he must feel that even his dreams overpower him.

“Its okay. You’re okay.” Y/N said, again and again as stroked the back of his neck. In attempt to comfort him. There was just pain everywhere but Y/N didn’t want to break Bucky down further by telling he how badly he had hurt her so she forced it down and just held him until he had calmed down.

A few minutes later, Bucky still clutching onto her like she was his lifeline, he picked her up swiftly and settled on the bed. He stepped away for a moment and flipped on the light switch beside the bed. Then turned his gaze to her, and drops to his knees before her in horror when his gaze surveys the damage he has done to her body.

Y/N sits on the edge of the bed, finally giving into the pain her body was going through. She exhales and lets her body drop against the pillows. “Y/N, I..” Bucky stammers, his hands reaching for her but then hovers over her bruised clavicle, and neck. 

“I’m okay Bucky,” She murmured, wincing as she shifted again. Her arms wrapped around her ribs as there was more pain lancing across her torso.

“No you’re not…” he breathed, and then gently reaches up to touch her knee. “Tell me what to do, how to fix this.”

Y/N sighed, “Just get me pain killers and find that damn sling, I’ll need to strap up my clavicle because it’s fractured.” She said to him, and he was immediately on his feet bustling around the room to get her the items she requested.

Bucky watched as she put her arm in the sling once more. He offered to help her but she said it was okay, and gave him a reassuring smile. Bucky felt atrocious as he surveyed the bruises on her body, it was driving him insane that he was the cause of her pain. Every time she winced as she bandaged her ribs, he felt his heart ache.

He wanted to just hold her and kiss the pain away but he knew that if he touched her, he would just cause her more pain.

Y/N looked up at him, sitting on the edge of the bed, a tortured expression on his face. “Oh stop looking so wounded, God dammit.” She sighed, beckoning him to her side of the bed.

Bucky hesitated, and then climbed across the bed and sat beside her. “I’m so sorry Y/N.” he mumbled, staring down at his hands. Y/N knew how much this was torturing him, so she took his hand in hers.

“Stop saying sorry Bucky. I am fine, a few months ago I had a bullet in my shoulder. A cracked clavicle is hardly going to slow me down.” She joked, this didn’t make him feel any better.

He remained silent beside her. “Stop.” Y/N whispered, using her free hand to lift his chin up so that she could see his face. “Don’t torture yourself James, it’s not your fault.”

“But it is.” He insisted, Y/N raised her hand and placed it over his mouth. Silencing him.

“Shut up.” Was all she said, and Bucky remained silent. Y/N sighed, suddenly feeling rather tired and leaned her head against his hulking shoulder. They were quiet for a few minutes, Bucky listening to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat.

“You should sleep.” He said, but Y/N had already fallen asleep against his shoulder. Gently taking her in his arm, Bucky placed her on the bed and pulled the bedsheets around her. Placing a soft kiss on her cheek before he steps away from the bed and quietly slips out of the room.

He stands before the building, gazing up at it. Hands shoved deep within the pockets of his dark jeans, shoulders hunched over, baseball cap pulled low. He remembers this place as if it were yesterday, nothing about it has changed.

The square of lavishly build apartment blocks, were quiet at this ungodly hour of the morning. The rain pelted down on him, but the cold didn’t bother him. His body temperature was hotter than the average person anyway. 

His memory takes him back to his mission on May 12th 1956.

‘The night air is stifling and hot, surprisingly so for Paris in the spring. The Winter Soldier donned in his mission suit, all black. His face concealed beneath the black mask, he was always made to wear. Strapped to his person is every single one of his preferred weapons. Guns, knives, grenades.

‘His target upstairs in the penthouse. He is able to slip across the roofs seamlessly enough, undetected. The Winter Soldier slips into the penthouse, easily. In the lounge he hears a voice, on the phone. The large man, name Jacques Dupuy is seated on one of the couches. He pulls out his handgun and screws on the silencer.

‘Three strides into the room, he places the barrel of the gun to Jacques head and without hesitation pulls the trigger. Before the man has a chance to even react. His body slumps over, blood sprays across the room. A single droplet landing on The Winter Soldiers face. He brushes it away nonchalantly.

‘There’s suddenly movement behind him, the scurry of little feet across the passageway. And then he sees her. Cowering behind the curtain. The little girl, she couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6. A feeling tugs at the back of his mind and he walks toward her. The fear in her little eyes evident as he walks toward her.

‘His gun at his side. The Winter Soldier hesitates then forces his metal arm up and reloads a bullet in the chamber. She’s so small, so fragile, so innocent. But it’s his mission, he knows his punishment if he fails. Every second that ticks by, every second longer that he stares at her, he feels his resolution failing. She is just a child, an innocent pure life form.

‘He wrestles with his decision, but the Winter Soldier wins out in the end. He raises his gun toward the little girl and pulls the trigger. Closing his eyes as he hears her gurgled cry and then her body slump to the floor. Without looking back, he stalks out of the building, leaving her bleeding out on the foyer floor.’

Bucky shuddered at the memory, the rain on his face hiding the tears that slid down the side of his face. It was his worst crime, out of all his kills. That innocent life he snuffed out all those years ago, haunted him to his very core. Paris had stained his memory, he couldn’t be in this city without this memory following him at every turn.

He couldn’t tell Y/N about it, he feared what she would say about it. How it would change the way she felt towards him, if she knew what he had done here all those years ago.

Turning away from the building, he quickly made his way back to hotel. Shoving down the feelings that resurfaced when he walked away for the site of his heinous murder, almost 48 years later.

Bucky quietly returned to the hotel room, shedding his wet clothes. He slipped into the bed beside Y/N, drawing her warm body closer to him. Sighing as he breathed her scent in, this right here was all he needed in that moment. It was his salvation against the horrors that plagued his mind. Her, her in all her perfectly, flawed glory.

The warmth of the morning sun woke Y/N. It couldn’t have been later than 7 in the morning. Beside her, Bucky was soundly asleep once more, his arm firmly around her waist, face buried in the crook of her neck.

She shifted slightly, and the movement awoke Bucky immediately.

“Good morning.” Y/N murmured, wincing as she shifted around to face him. Her clavicle still reeling from the knock it had taken last night.

Bucky gives her a sleepy smile and then sits up slowly. His dark hair falling into his eyes as he did so. He was shirtless, his muscles rippling with every movement he made, and Y/N couldn’t help but admire it.

“How’s your injury?” Bucky asks, getting off the bed and rolling his shoulders, stretching them.

“Nothing to worry about, it will heal in a few weeks.” Y/N replied sitting up, pulling the bedsheets around her.

Bucky nods and then picks up his t-shirt that he discarded on the floor last night and pulls it on. “We should get you something to eat.” He says, more to himself than to her. Bucky takes a seat on the edge of the bed, picking up his boots to put them on.

“Where did you go last night?” Y/N suddenly asks him, this question seems to startle Bucky. As he looks at her for a moment not saying anything. Then sighs, he seems defeated like this was a conversation he was trying to avoid having.

“I wanted to get some fresh air.” He replied, not looking at her. his back facing her as he put his boots on.

Y/N was quiet for a moment, then spoke again. “What happened in Paris, Bucky?” She said softly.

Bucky remained quiet. He stopped moving, his shoulders sagged a little in his seat. His head hanging to his chest, Y/N couldn’t see his face but she could already see from his stance the emotions bubbling within him.

“Who is Jacques Dupuy? Who was just a child?” Y/N asked again. She knew she shouldn’t press Bucky for answers and let him tell her of his own accord. But the violence of which he dreamt last night had made her curious, and slightly afraid of the deed of the Winter Soldier.

Bucky turned to look at her, and the raw emotion on his face hit her like a tidal wave. He looked destroyed, the pain behind his expression spoke volumes of the deed he was hiding. “I …I cant …” Was all he said, before Y/N was diving across the bed and wrapping her arm around his torso. Her clavicle protesting in pain, but she ignored it.

Bucky didn’t move as she hugged him from behind. She could hear his heartbeat as she laid her head on his back, slow, steady, strong. Y/N didn’t know what he had done that was so bad, she knew the Winter Soldier had done deeds no one could be proud of, but when she saw Bucky’s face she had asked about Paris, she was even more afraid to know what he had truly done.

Bucky sighed and then stood up away from her arm around him. “Come, let’s go get you some food.” He says, and then turns heel and heads to the bathroom where he locks himself in, for a good half an hour. Y/N doesn’t question it, he does what he needs to, to survive.

The streets of Paris are bustling. Bucky hold’s Y/N close as they navigate the streets, the civilians passing by them pay no attention to them. Both dressed in dark jeans, black t-shirts, black jackets and black baseball caps. They blended in with their surroundings. Bucky wore blacked out aviator sunglasses, his identity needing to stay more hidden than hers.

Upon finding a café to eat at, Bucky requests a quiet table in the corner of the café. To which the waiter obliges and seats the two of them. Y/N is quiet as she lets Bucky order them breakfast, she is taking in the sights and sounds of Paris. It’s a city unlike any she’s been to before. As she looks at the tables around them, she notes the people around them. A family of four, mother, father and their two kids. A couple, holding hands across the table smiling at each other. Another couple, two men, laughing at something on a phone screen. A group of teenagers, animatedly talking amongst themselves. An old man, reading the newspaper, his service dog lay at his feet, napping.

Every one of these people, living normal lives. Something Y/N knew herself and Bucky could never have. A white picket fence was not in the cards for either of them. She looked back at the couples, they were relaxed with each other. Loving gazes sent across the table, soft touches. They were comfortable, normal, in love. And something within her sparked jealousy, wishing for the normalcy of a love not on the run.

Bucky’s hand absentmindedly wandered into hers. He too was staring off into the distance, Y/N looked over at him and then down at his gloved hand which now engulfed her small hand. He was tense, coiled, alert to their surroundings. It was like she could almost see his brain working in overdrive to ensure their safety. He was surveying their exit strategies, the people around them, the vantage points of the café. Bucky would never be the type of guy who could just sit in a café, carefree and enjoy a breakfast, not while he was running from his past.

Y/N reached up and brushed her fingers across his strong jawline, this causes his gaze to snap to her.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours?” She asks, Bucky’s expression softens when he looks at her.

“Nothing for you to worry about.” He replies, leaning closer to her.

“You know you can talk to me right Buck?” Y/N says hopefully. She hopes he will talk to her at some point about what had happened in Paris without her forcing it out of him.

Bucky throws her a smile, that simultaneously breaks her heart and ignites a fire inside of her. How could one man give her so many emotions all at once. “What would you like to talk about Doctor Y/L/N?” He says, leaning closer to her.

Y/N cant help the smile forming on her face, there were rare moments where she believed the real Bucky Barnes showed and this was one of those moments.

“Don’t call me Doctor.” She snorts playfully,

“But that’s your title isn’t is?” Bucky jokes back, “Or would you prefer Mrs Barnes for the purpose of this trip.”

Y/N giggled, she liked the sound of that as absurd as it was and even though it was their ruse. She liked the idea of being Mrs Barnes, it was a fairy-tale that would never come true for either of them.

“Holy shit is that a smile, doctor?” Bucky said, pretending to be shocked.

“I always smile.” Y/N retorts, as the waitress appears with two mugs of coffee for them. Bucky waited for the waitress to leave before he responds.

“One of us has to.” He says, it’s a joke but there is some truth to it and you both sense it.

“Well, at least I have a nice smile,” Y/N jokes, “You always look like you want to murder someone.”

Bucky chuckles at this comment, and then picks up the sugar, opening two sachets and pouring them into the cup before Y/N. “I’ll have you know I have a great smile.” Bucky said, pushing the coffee towards her.

Y/N looked at him, a grin on her face. Despite all the drama that came along with Bucky Barnes, she found herself happy that she had found him. As she looked at him, she felt that familiar flutter in her chest again. He gives her a smile, its like he’s trying to prove a point because his smile dazzles her.

Not deigning to answer as she feels herself blush, Y/N picked up the mug of hot coffee and raised it to her lips. Taking a long sip, savouring the warmth and the slight bitterness of the coffee. ‘

She opens her mouth to say something but before she can get the words out, there is a bang and a whizz and the mug in her hand shatters. Spilling hot coffee across the table. A string of ‘Fuck fuck fuck!’ erupts from Bucky and he practically tackles you to the ground.

Y/N is startled by the sudden shattering of her mug, but Bucky is immediately on his feet. Dragging her behind him, he drops into low stance and curses repeatedly. There is chaos erupting as two more shots are fired, the people in the café now running, ducking, diving as they heard the gun shots. The bullets slam into the wrought iron table inches away from where Y/N and Bucky were seated.

Suddenly two men appear, armed with semiautomatic rifles and they open fire in the café. There is glass shattering and flying everywhere as the spray of bullets hit anything and everything. Y/N watches in horror as the bullets hit innocent civilians who drop to the floor, either dead or in agony. Her back is pressed up against the wall, she flinches as a spray of glass lands over her, her mind is screaming for her to move but she is frozen in fear. The chaos around her, paralyzing her.

Bucky forces Y/N to the floor, “Crawl, Now!” He orders, his eyes wild as he tries to pinpoint the location of the sniper firing at them. He is mentally curing himself for not clocking the sniper as soon as they had arrived. Steadying his mind, Bucky knows he has to get them both out of there and draw the gunmen away from the civilians, or the bloodshed wouldn’t stop.

Y/N obeys his command and the two of them are crawling out of the back door of the restaurant. And instantly Bucky drags her to her feet and grips her hand in his. He looks at her, there’s fear, and rage in his eyes. Y/N is in full-scale panic mode, she’s paralyzed with fear letting Bucky drag her like a ragdoll. But her legs give way and she drops to the ground, onto her knees. Her body shaking violently from fear.

“Y/N, snap out of it.” Bucky barks at her, still holding onto her arm. “I need you to get your shit together if we’re going to get out of this alive!” 

“I..I cant breathe.” She gasps, her vision is swimming as she feels the sting of blood and tears on her face. All she keeps seeing is the bullets and glass and innocent people dying around her. “Oh my god, I’m going to die,” she kept repeating it like a mantra. A terrifying realization.

“Get up. Now!” Bucky hauls her to her feet, and then takes her face between his hands. “Look at me, I am not going to let you die, but I need you to move. Now Y/N now!”

She doesn’t get a chance to answer him, there are suddenly bullets flying at them. Bucky shoves her out of the way and sidesteps the bullets. Their attackers not after them, guns at the ready.

“Run.” Bucky says, in a dark voice.

Y/N groans loudly. “Not this shit again.” She mutters, before the two of them take of sprinting down the streets of Paris, with armed men hot on their heels.

The second they entered their hotel room, Bucky barely paused to take a breath. He drew his gun and slowly entered the room, surveying it for any threats. Y/N leaned against the wall, her lungs felt like they were on fire, they had lost their pursuers, but it had taken a whole lot of stamina to escape them. And Bucky was a super soldier, unlike her, he hardly felt the fatigue she was experiencing.

Bucky pauses slightly, when he sees no evident threat. Then grabs their bags, “We have to leave. Now.” He says more as an order than anything else.

Y/N just nods. She’s still to out of breath to say anything, Bucky sticks his gun in the back of his jeans, pulling his t-shirt over it, to conceal it. He scans the room once more, slings the bags over his shoulder and then leads them both out of the room.

They walk a few feet down the long hallway of the hotel and suddenly as they turn the corner there is a hulking frame standing in front of them, assault rifle in hand. Arms crossed, face concealed beneath the metal mask, and Y/N already knows who it is. Bucky instinctively puts his metal arm across her to protect her, and they froze.

“Hello Doctor Y/L/N.” His gruff voice echoes through the deserted hallway.

Y/N’s heart stops. “Rumlow…”


End file.
